I need marriage advice. My husband and I have been together for five years. We have a toddler and another baby on the way.
There’s a woman he used to date before me. Early in our relationship, I noticed he had searched for her on Instagram. A few years later, she called him at night, and he told me he shut it down, saying he was happily taken.
Then, a few months ago, he mentioned hiring a digital marketer from his hometown — it turned out to be her. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it. When I saw their messages, it felt like he was trying to impress her — bragging about his business and income. He admitted it was inappropriate and said he’d block her.
I honestly think he didn’t expect me to remember her name.
Last week, we went to a hotel for a night away. I still felt uneasy and checked his phone. He had messaged her that night on Instagram, replying to a video she was tagged in with “I’m fucking dying.” I didn’t say anything right away.
Two days later, I looked again and saw he tried video calling her on Instagram and FaceTime at 2 a.m. She didn’t answer, and he texted her saying he hoped he didn’t disturb her. She replied the next morning that she’d been asleep.
When I confronted him, he claimed he was drunk and didn’t remember. Then he got mad at me for checking his phone, tried to flip it on me, and locked himself in the bedroom.
At this point, I don’t trust him. He’s acting like I’m the problem, and I don’t even feel safe or comfortable in my own home. What do I do?
First, I want to say: you’re not crazy. You’re not overreacting. You’re having a very reasonable reaction to something that’s deeply unsettling in your marriage.
You’re describing not just a breach of trust, but the kind of gaslighting that can slowly chip away at your sense of self. You feel one thing—that something isn’t right—and instead of your partner helping you feel more secure, he’s making you feel like your instincts are the problem. That’s not partnership. That’s self-preservation on his part, at your expense.
Let’s be clear: your husband knows what he’s doing. He knew who she was when he brought her into his business world. He knew he shouldn’t message her while on a romantic night away with you. And he definitely knew that calling her at 2 a.m. wasn’t something that could be brushed off as a drunken accident.
But here’s the thing I want you to sit with: what you’re describing isn’t just about her. It’s about a pattern of emotional unavailability and avoidance. When confronted, he didn’t own his behavior. He deflected. He turned the focus onto you. That’s not accountability, and it’s not how trust is rebuilt.
So, the real question isn’t: How do I make him stop doing this? The real question is: What do I need to feel safe, respected, and emotionally secure in this relationship—and is that even possible with him right now?
You have a child and another on the way. That makes things feel complicated. But your children deserve to grow up in a home where respect and honesty are modeled. And you deserve to be in a relationship where your reality isn’t constantly questioned.
I’d encourage you to find a therapist—individually, to start. Someone to help you sort through your feelings, your options, and what healing might look like, regardless of what your husband chooses to do. You don’t need to have all the answers right now. But you do need to start listening to your own voice again.
Because it’s telling you the truth.
And you’re allowed to believe it.