I 24F have been with my bf 25m for 4 years straight , we have been through hell and back together, lived in multiple places together and have gotten really close with each others parents.
He recently bought a house back in July and as a result I’ve been working 13 hour shifts as a surgical assistant while he works at a computer all day. Due to me working long hours on my feet I’ve been too tired to have sex on the weekdays and now he is blaming his porn addiction on me.
I’ve tried to initiate sex and he’s told me the hatred that he has towards me has resulted in him wanting to have sex with other people. After 6 hour abusive fights, I’ve finally caved in and told him yes he can have sex with other people just so that he could leave me alone and stop being mean to me.
I’m super hurt by him but can’t leave just yet because I can’t afford a place on my own yet but will in the next few weeks. I’m worried about how I’m going to leave him, I make $20/hr and my credit is really bad.
This isn’t love. This isn’t partnership. This is emotional abuse. Full stop.
You are working 13-hour shifts, busting your tail in a physically and emotionally demanding job, and the man who claims to love you responds by… blaming his porn addiction on you? Because you’re too tired to have sex after being on your feet for half the day, saving lives?
That’s not love. That’s cruelty wrapped in entitlement.
And then it gets worse. He tells you he hates you so much he wants to have sex with other people. And you—already exhausted, isolated, worn down from six-hour verbal brawls—end up giving him a permission slip to cheat on you just to stop the emotional warfare.
That’s not a relationship. That’s survival mode in a hostage situation.
I don’t care how long you’ve been together. I don’t care how close you are with each other’s parents. I don’t care how many places you’ve lived in. Abuse is abuse. And the longer you stay, the more normal this will feel. That little voice inside of you that says, “This isn’t okay,” is going to get quieter and quieter until it’s completely drowned out by shame, fear, and self-doubt.
But I hear it’s still there. Because you wrote in.
You’re already doing the hardest part—planning your exit. So let’s talk brass tacks.
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You don’t need to wait until everything is perfect to leave. You need to leave when it’s safe.
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Your credit can be rebuilt. Your nervous system? Your self-worth? That stuff takes longer to heal when someone is actively shredding it every day.
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Call a domestic violence hotline. I know it may not feel like it qualifies. But this is abuse—emotional, verbal, psychological. And there are people out there who can walk with you through the logistics.
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Get a trusted friend or family member involved. You need a team. You shouldn’t walk out of this alone.
And if he ever reads this: You don’t get to treat your partner like a punching bag just because you feel sexually frustrated or insecure. Grow up. Get help. Stop projecting your failures onto the woman who has been carrying the weight of this relationship on her back.
To you: You are not crazy. You are not weak. You are not broken. You are exhausted and trapped and being manipulated. And I want you to know—you are not alone. You can get out. You will get out. And you will find peace on the other side.
Get out. Heal. And never, ever mistake suffering for love again.