My friend just found out his wife has been cheating on him. To make matters worse, this isn’t the first time she’s crossed a line—she’s been emotionally checked out for years, hasn’t worked a day since they got married, and doesn’t lift a finger around the house. She’s shameless about the affair, and somehow still finds ways to make him feel like the problem.
The worst part? I think he might take her back. He’s heartbroken, confused, and clinging to the version of her he wishes she was. I get it—love makes people blind. But it’s painful to watch someone I care about be so loyal to someone who clearly doesn’t respect him.
I don’t want to overstep or make him feel judged. I just want to support him, help him see this for what it is, and gently steer him away from making a mistake he’ll regret for the rest of his life.
First, thank you for showing up for your buddy. It takes a lot of strength and love to stand beside someone while they’re hurting, especially when every instinct in you is probably screaming, “Run, man. Just run.” But you’re wise to want to go slow, to not come in guns blazing, because when someone’s been betrayed by someone they love, they don’t need lectures. They need lifelines.
Right now, your friend is probably caught in what I call the trauma-fog. Everything he thought was solid—his marriage, his home, his trust—is shattered. And in that fog, people reach for anything that feels familiar, even if that thing is the very person who broke them. It’s not logic. It’s survival. It’s the nervous system saying, “Go back to what you know, even if it hurts.”
So, what can you do?
Be steady. Be present. Let him vent. Let him cry. Don’t jump in right away with all the reasons she’s toxic (even though you’re right). He probably already knows on some level. But right now, he needs someone who believes in him, not just someone who’s against her.
And when the time feels right, you tell him the truth—but you do it with compassion. You say, “Brother, you deserve to be loved by someone who chooses you. Every day. Not just when it’s convenient. You’ve been carrying this marriage on your back, and it’s time to put it down.” You remind him of who he is, not who she told him he was.
And if he still wants to go back? You stay in his life. You don’t shame him. You keep the porch light on. Because even if he takes that wrong turn, he’s going to need someone waiting when he’s ready to find the road home.
That’s what real friends do.
Hold the line.