I’ve been dating for two years, but only a handful of guys, and I’ve taken breaks in between. I’ve noticed a pattern: I’m drawn to emotionally unavailable men, addicted to the highs and lows—the waiting for a text, the rush when it comes, and the anxiety when they go cold. I try to prove my worth to them, but when it doesn’t work out, my self-esteem crashes. I always let them back into my life, too.
Recently, I took a break to figure out this toxic pattern. Now, I’m trying to break it by walking away when I notice emotional unavailability. I’ve also decided not to entertain anyone from my past.
I’ve met someone new. We’ve been talking for two months, met three weeks ago, and he’s been sweet, funny, and respectful. For the first time, I feel secure—no anxiety or confusion. But here’s the catch: I don’t feel that spark. I’ve realized I only feel it with guys who don’t want me.
So how do I know if I’m genuinely disinterested or just uncomfortable because he’s emotionally available? I feel guilty that I might be wasting his time, but I don’t know how to proceed. Has anyone overcome this?
You’re asking all the right questions, and honestly, I just want to pause and say: Good on you for hitting the brakes, for noticing the patterns, and for being brave enough to stare this thing in the face. Most people don’t. Most people just keep riding the same busted merry-go-round and wonder why they’re dizzy all the time.
Here’s what’s really going on: The “spark” you’re describing? That’s not romance. That’s adrenaline. It’s cortisol. It’s your nervous system on DEFCON 1. The highs and lows with emotionally unavailable people—they light your brain up like a pinball machine, because your body thinks love is supposed to feel like anxiety. It’s not. It never was.
Let’s be blunt: If love feels like you’re waiting for a bomb to go off, that’s not love. That’s trauma. Somewhere along the line—maybe in your family, maybe in past relationships—you learned to equate longing and uncertainty with connection. So now, when someone shows up and treats you with kindness, with steadiness, your body interprets it as “boring.” But that’s not boredom—it’s peace. And peace can feel almost alien when you’ve been living in chaos.
You asked if you’re genuinely disinterested, or just uncomfortable because this guy’s emotionally available. Here’s the thing: Both can be true at the same time. Sometimes, when we finally meet someone safe, our bodies start screaming run—not because they’re wrong, but because safety is unfamiliar. But it’s also possible that you’re just not that into this person, and that’s okay too. You don’t owe anyone a relationship, no matter how “healthy” they are.
But if every time you get close to someone who’s actually present, you start to get itchy, restless, or guilty—pay attention. That’s your nervous system saying, “Danger! We don’t know what this is.” And the way through isn’t to force yourself to fall for someone you don’t like, or to chase another round of chaos. It’s to sit with that discomfort, get curious about it, and let it teach you. Therapy can help here—a lot.
Bottom line: You’re not broken. You’re not “addicted to bad boys.” You’re human. Your body’s just been trained to respond to chaos as love, and it takes time to teach it something different.
So, what do you do? Don’t ghost this new guy, and don’t force yourself to feel something you don’t. Be honest, be kind, and most of all, keep choosing yourself. It’s okay to walk away, and it’s okay to stay and see what grows if you feel safe. And if you’re stuck, talk to a counselor—someone who can walk with you while you learn what it feels like to be truly seen, truly safe, and truly loved.
You got this.