My fiancé has all guy friends, and I’ve noticed since the beginning that they all kinda treat him like the pack mule and really just like the little b of the group. It sounds bad but it’s true.
They expect him to do whatever they want, when they hang out, he’s expected to always bring drinks and gets ragged on when he doesn’t (even if they never bring drinks).
They make mean comments about him to his face under the guise of “jokes” and he’s even told me sometimes they hurt his feelings.
I’ve even had other people tell me they’ve always kinda treated him like that and were kinda mean to him. They’ve been friends for years, like middle school.
I guess I’m just curious. Is that normal in guy friendships? It just seems unhealthy to me, but I have never been in that situation.
No, this is NOT normal or healthy friendship behavior. Not for guys, not for anybody.
I know the scripts. I know the “guy code.” I know the b.s. lines about how this is just what guys do, it’s how we “bond,” it’s all in good fun, blah blah blah. I also know what emotional abuse looks like dressed up as “banter,” and that’s exactly what you’re describing here. And I don’t care if they’ve been friends since middle school—toxic is still toxic even if it’s familiar.
You know what’s actually normal in true friendship? Respect. Loyalty. Having each other’s back. Real friends don’t use you as a pack mule, they don’t keep score on who brings drinks, and they sure as hell don’t weaponize jokes to make you feel small. Real friends might roast you a little, but you always know—deep down—they love you and they’d fight for you if anyone else treated you that way.
But these guys? They sound like they’re getting something out of keeping your fiancé small. Maybe it’s about power, maybe it’s just old childhood patterns no one’s grown out of, maybe it’s immaturity. Doesn’t matter. It’s not right.
He needs to know he deserves better. I know it’s scary to step out of the tribe, especially when it’s been “the crew” since middle school. But sometimes the most courageous, healthiest thing a person can do is decide “enough,” and start building real, honest friendships with people who value him for who he is, not what he brings to the hangout or how much he’ll tolerate.
And as his partner, you get to support him, but you can’t do this for him. He’s got to want more for himself.
Here’s what I’d say to him if he was in front of me:
Hey man, you get one shot at life. Why spend it running errands for people who don’t respect you? Why waste your time with people who drag you down instead of build you up? You’re not in middle school anymore. You don’t need to keep paying rent for a place that’s making you miserable. Find your people. Your real people. They’re out there, and they want you for you—not for what you do for them.
You’re right. This isn’t normal. It isn’t healthy. And your intuition is screaming at you for a reason. Don’t ignore it. Call it out. And if you love him, encourage him to take a step toward friendships that are actually worthy of him.