I’ve been married for almost six years to a woman I truly love and respect. We have a good relationship—solid friendship, intimacy, shared goals. But lately, I’ve found myself daydreaming or fantasizing about other women.
Sometimes it’s someone I know, sometimes just random strangers or old flings. The thoughts aren’t obsessive or constant, but when they show up, I feel guilty. Like I’m betraying her, even if it’s just in my head.
I haven’t cheated and don’t want to. I’m not unhappy with my wife, and I don’t want to jeopardize our marriage. But I can’t help but wonder if these thoughts mean there’s something wrong with me, or with us. Am I being emotionally unfaithful? Is this normal, or is it a sign that I’m missing something at home?
Let me start with this: You’re not broken. You’re not a monster. You’re a human being. Every one of us, married or not, has random thoughts and daydreams, and sometimes those involve people other than our partners. That doesn’t make you a bad husband or a failure—it just makes you normal. Our brains are weird. They throw out all kinds of stuff, and most of it has nothing to do with our actual values or intentions.
But here’s where a lot of folks get tripped up: We start thinking that having a thought is the same as acting on it. It’s not. You said you love your wife, you’re not looking to cheat, and you don’t want to wreck what you have. That tells me your compass is pointed in the right direction.
Instead of shoving the thoughts down or beating yourself up, get curious about them. Sometimes fantasies pop up because we’re stressed, bored, or missing connection. Maybe you’re just craving more excitement or novelty in your life—doesn’t mean you need a new partner, it might just mean you need to shake things up in your daily routine, your relationship, or even your own self-care.
If the guilt is weighing on you, try this: Take a deep breath, remind yourself you’re human, and focus on connecting with your wife in new ways. Go on an adventure together, try something different in the bedroom, or just make space for some honest conversations. You don’t need to confess every stray thought—that would just be dumping your anxiety on her—but you can be honest with yourself about what you want out of your marriage and your life.
Bottom line: Thoughts come and go. Character is built in what you do next.
You’ve got this. Give yourself some grace, lean into your marriage, and don’t let shame call the shots.