I’m 21F and have been with my boyfriend (22M) for four years. Since finishing high school, he’s barely worked—just one summer job. He doesn’t want to go to college or get a regular job, saying he hates the idea of working for someone else. He streamed online for two years, then half-heartedly tried starting a business, but nothing ever came of either. Mostly, he plays video games all day and says jobs just don’t feel right.
Whenever I bring it up, he gets defensive and makes me feel guilty for asking. He rarely visits because he says gas is too expensive. His parents still pay for everything, so he has no bills and no motivation. I’m frustrated and worried about our future—I’ve been working hard, graduated early, and have a job, while he seems totally unmotivated and stuck. I want to move forward in life, but he refuses to change.
Listen. You know exactly what’s going on here. You’re not crazy, you’re not unreasonable, and you don’t need to keep carrying the guilt he’s handing you every time you ask him to step up. You’re busting your tail to build a life and he’s content to drift through his early twenties doing the bare minimum—because he can. His parents have coddled him, and you’re seeing the fallout up close.
You’ve tried patience. You’ve tried encouragement. You’ve tried conversations, compromise, and giving him chance after chance. Nothing changes. At some point, you’ve got to face the hard truth: He is showing you exactly who he is, and it’s not going to magically change because you want it more than he does.
Love is more than feelings—it’s action. It’s choosing every day to do the hard things to build a future. You’re carrying this relationship on your back, and you’re already resentful. That’s not partnership; that’s parenting a grown man who doesn’t want to grow up.
You want to start the next chapter of your life, but he’s not interested in turning the page. He wants the rewards without any of the effort. And unless something drastic happens, this is exactly what the rest of your life will look like. You’ll be working, building, sacrificing—while he finds new ways to avoid responsibility.
So here’s the deal: You need to get honest with yourself about what you want for your life. Not what you hope he’ll become. What you actually want. And then, you need to be brave enough to let go of a relationship that’s holding you back, not lifting you up.
You can love him, wish him well, and still walk away. That’s not cruel—it’s self-respect. You only get one shot at your twenties. Don’t spend it babysitting someone who refuses to grow up. You deserve a real partner. Demand it.