I support trans people and I support my husband being his/her true self but it’s so hard and I don’t know if I can do this.
I’m attracted to men especially the man I married but he’s going to be a woman now and I don’t find that attractive on a physical or emotional level so I feel really heartbroken and I don’t know how I’m going to explain it to our family, our friends or especially our children.
Again I want to be supportive if this is my husband’s true self but I don’t think our marriage can survive this because of my own preferences etc. It’s just so difficult and honestly I don’t know what to do…
First off, I want you to pause and breathe. You’re carrying the weight of two worlds on your shoulders right now—your spouse’s truth and your own heartbreak. Both are real. Both matter. You don’t have to pretend that this isn’t ripping you apart, or that it’s simple, or that love alone can make everything fit. Sometimes life throws you into storms you never saw coming, and you wake up in a world you never signed up for.
Supporting someone’s journey to live as their true self is an act of deep love. It’s also okay to acknowledge that their truth comes with consequences for you, for your marriage, for your kids. You’re not selfish for feeling what you feel. You’re not “bad” for grieving the loss of the person you married, or for struggling to reconcile your needs and desires with the new reality. Your heart didn’t choose this—but it’s yours to carry all the same.
Listen, attraction isn’t a switch you can flip out of loyalty or compassion. You married a man because that’s who you loved, that’s who you wanted, that’s who you chose. If your spouse is now walking into a life that doesn’t align with what you want in a partner, it’s okay to say, “I love you and I want you to be happy, but I can’t be your spouse in this new season.” That’s not betrayal. That’s honesty. That’s dignity—for both of you.
You’re terrified about what to tell the world, your family, your kids. Here’s the truth: Kids are resilient, but they need honesty and love, not perfect explanations. Your job isn’t to shield everyone from pain; it’s to walk through it with integrity and compassion. You don’t owe anyone a rehearsed answer. You owe yourself and your kids a safe, honest home.
It’s also okay to get help. Therapy isn’t just for the person transitioning; it’s for you too. You need support, a place to talk, a way to grieve what’s been lost and to process what comes next. This is heavy. You’re not weak for needing help carrying it.
You can love someone deeply and still recognize when the path has changed so much you can’t walk it together anymore. That’s not a failure. That’s being a grownup. That’s being honest about the kind of life and relationship you need to thrive. Give yourself permission to feel it all—sadness, relief, fear, anger, love. It’s all part of the story.
You’re not alone. This is hard. But you’re strong enough to face the truth, honor your own heart, and keep moving forward with grace—for yourself, your spouse, and your family. That’s what real love looks like, even when it hurts.