If your intention is to raise a child who second-guesses their every move, who scans the world for signs of disapproval, you don’t need dramatic gestures. All it really takes is to make love something they have to earn. Let your affection ebb and flow with their behavior—offer a smile or a kind word only when they’ve done something to make you proud, but let disappointment settle in the silence whenever they falter. In time, your child will learn to measure themselves by your moods, to wonder if today is a day they’re worthy of being hugged or a day to keep their distance.
When they make mistakes—and they will, because they’re children—let the air fill with tension. Don’t reassure them that mistakes are part of growing up; instead, let them sit with the discomfort. Withhold comfort until they’ve apologized enough or promised to do better. Let forgiveness feel rare, a privilege to be earned only through contrition and compliance.
Keep the atmosphere at home unpredictable. Let your own worries or frustrations dictate whether the house is filled with laughter or heavy with silence. Your child will adapt, learning to read your face before speaking, always on alert for the subtle shifts in weather that determine whether they are safe to express themselves. They’ll become experts at being what you want, at suppressing whatever doesn’t fit the script.
When they offer a glimpse of their true selves—an honest feeling, an inconvenient opinion—redirect or dismiss it. Encourage them to be agreeable, to keep the peace, to do what is expected. If they express pain or fear, remind them it’s not that serious, or that they’re overreacting. Over time, they’ll start to question the validity of their own experience, doubting their feelings before anyone else can.
If you happen to lose your temper or hurt their feelings, resist the urge to apologize. Instead, allow the discomfort to linger, so your child learns it’s their responsibility to mend the relationship, no matter who broke it. Let affection be a currency, given or withheld according to performance. Remind your child in quiet ways of all you’ve done for them, so gratitude and guilt become threads that tie them to you.
And above all, make sure they understand that “I love you” comes with strings attached. Speak those words in moments of achievement or obedience, never simply because they exist. Let them grow up believing that love is something conditional, something that could be taken away if they slip.
Do these things, and you’ll shape a child who walks through the world on eggshells, always waiting for the next test, never quite sure they’ve passed. They will carry your lessons with them, searching for reassurance, seeking approval, wondering if, just maybe, one day, they’ll be enough.
Or, of course, you could do the opposite. But that’s another story.