What you can’t stand in other people—the thing that grates on your nerves, lights your fuse, makes you roll your eyes and mutter under your breath—yeah, it’s almost always the thing you secretly can’t stand in yourself.
I know, I know. That stings a little. But hang with me.
We’re wired to spot in other people what we haven’t made peace with inside ourselves. It’s like looking in a mirror you don’t realize is a mirror. You see someone who talks too much, and you get irritated. Someone who’s insecure and always needs reassurance, and you judge them. Or maybe you can’t stand people who are lazy, or who show off, or who brag about their stuff. What you don’t realize is that these little annoyances are arrows pointing directly at your own wounds—your own story.
It’s called projection, and we all do it. It’s our brains trying to make sense of the world by outsourcing the stuff we don’t want to own. If you’ve never paused to notice it, it can run your life.
Let’s say you can’t stand your coworker because they’re always fishing for compliments. Drives you up the wall. But if you dig just a little deeper, maybe you realize you spend most of your day hoping someone will finally notice how hard you’re working too. Maybe you were taught as a kid that asking for help or wanting validation was weak, so you buried those needs deep down. Now, when you see someone wear those needs on their sleeve, you get angry—not really at them, but at yourself for having those needs in the first place.
Or maybe you get really judgmental of people who “waste time” scrolling on their phone, but when you’re honest, you hate how much time you spend doing the same thing.
You get the idea.
The things that set us off are the things we’re wrestling with. And here’s the real kicker: The more you try to bury or deny a part of yourself, the more it’s going to show up in your judgment of other people.
Here’s what I want you to hear:
You don’t have to beat yourself up for this. Self-awareness isn’t about shame—it’s about freedom. When you start noticing these patterns, you get to make a choice. You can either keep pretending you’ve got it all together while the world gets more and more annoying, or you can start doing the hard, beautiful work of getting curious about your own story.
Ask yourself:
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Why does this person bother me so much?
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Where did I learn to see this trait as a problem?
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How do I do the same thing, in my own way?
It’s not easy. It’s vulnerable work. But it’s the kind of work that transforms your relationships—especially the one you have with yourself.
Here’s the good news: When you make peace with the messy, awkward, “unlovable” parts of yourself, you get a whole lot more grace for everyone else. You start to see that we’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve been given. And the things that used to annoy you become invitations to connect, not just with others, but with the parts of yourself you used to hide.
So next time you catch yourself judging, rolling your eyes, or getting fired up about someone else’s flaws, take a breath. Get curious. Ask what that feeling is trying to teach you about yourself.
Because at the end of the day, what you hate in others is what you still need to heal in yourself.
And healing? That’s the bravest thing you can do.