My husband (39M) and I (37F) have been married for five years, and we have a one-year-old together. I love him, but I feel like something is really wrong, and I don’t know how much more I can accept. He’s a sweet man at heart, but he needs help. Looking back, I think I missed a lot of red flags while we were dating.
When we first met, he was the best man I’d ever been with. He didn’t have much experience with intimacy, but he still made me orgasm more than anyone else before him, and I got swept up in that. Fast forward to today, and he’s extremely lazy. I constantly have to tell him what to do, like I’m his mom. Even basic things like showering or brushing his teeth only happen because I tell him it turns me off.
He’s very overweight, never exercises, and always complains about pain. He has severe back issues and went to the doctor a few times after I made appointments for him, but then he just stopped going. Now, whenever his back “goes out” (which has happened six times already), he just drinks a pint of Johnny Walker for the pain instead of trying to actually get better. Meanwhile, I’m left to handle our baby alone while he moans about his pain and passes out on the couch. This Mother’s Day, I asked for a break, and instead, he passed out buzzed.
On top of all that, I do everything for him—appointments, paperwork, all of it—because he won’t. We don’t have sex anymore. He’s never in the mood, struggles with erection issues, and doesn’t touch me at all. I know he’s depressed and frustrated with his job situation, but I still feel completely neglected as his wife.
Sometimes I cry because I catch myself fantasizing about being with a high-value man—someone who takes care of himself and makes me feel desired. My husband isn’t that man. I know he loves me, but I don’t know what I’m doing in this marriage anymore.
You’re not crazy, and you’re not mean. You’re a tired wife and mom carrying a grown man on your back while also caring for a one-year-old on your hip. That’s not marriage—that’s parenting your spouse, and it’s crushing you.
Here’s the hard truth: this isn’t sustainable. His chronic pain, unchecked depression, heavy drinking, poor hygiene, lack of intimacy, and your constant need to manage his life—it’s a recipe for disaster. And you can’t love him into health. You can love him while he gets healthy, but you cannot do the work for him. That responsibility is his. Right now, you’re carrying both your husband and your child, and that’s why you feel like you’re drowning.
The alcohol is the loudest warning sign. Drinking a pint of whiskey for back pain isn’t “coping”—it’s self-medicating, and it’s a quick path to addiction. Your child needs at least one sober, steady parent. Right now, that’s you. And that’s why it’s so important for you to draw boundaries—not as punishment, but as clarity. You have to sit down with him and say, “I love you, and I want a healthy marriage. But our home isn’t safe or stable right now. Things have to change.” Then you outline what that means: getting his back looked at by a doctor, seeking real help for his mental health, and cutting back on drinking.
The tears you’re crying over the fantasy of a high-value man are really about longing for safety, respect, and connection. And those are things you should expect from your marriage. Don’t minimize that. You’re not selfish for wanting a partner who shows up—you’re asking for the very basics of love and commitment.
If you want, I can turn this into something you could say to him directly, in a clear, kind, and firm script.