Here’s the uncomfortable truth about most arguments: you’re not fighting about the dishes, or who said what last week, or why your partner didn’t text you back fast enough. You’re fighting because one (or both) of you feels unseen.
That’s it. That’s the whole damn thing. The argument is just the fireworks show that goes off when someone doesn’t feel understood.
The Ego’s Favorite Hobby: Being Right
We like to think we argue to “solve problems.” But if you actually watch yourself mid-argument, you’ll notice you’re not trying to solve anything. You’re trying to win. You’re trying to prove your version of reality is the right one. Because deep down, being right feels safer than being vulnerable.
Our ego loves this. It thrives on it. It whispers, “Don’t back down. Don’t let them have the last word. You’re right.” And so we keep hammering our point while the other person just digs in deeper. Two people, shouting louder and louder, not because the words matter, but because neither feels heard.
The 10-Second Reset Button
Here’s the magic move — and yes, it’s deceptively simple. When things get tense, repeat back what the other person said. Not as a weapon, but as a reflection.
Say something like, “So you’re saying you feel like I don’t take you seriously when I interrupt you, right?”
That one sentence can do more to end an argument than an hour of “explaining your side.”
Why? Because you just told their brain, “Hey, I see you. I get what you’re feeling.” And once a person feels seen, they don’t have to fight for it anymore. Their nervous system calms the hell down. The temperature in the room drops twenty degrees. Suddenly, there’s space for an actual conversation.
Validation ≠ Agreement
Now, don’t confuse validation with surrender. You’re not agreeing that they’re right. You’re not saying their story is the Truth with a capital T. You’re saying, “I get why you feel that way.” That’s it. You’re validating an emotion, not endorsing a conclusion.
And yes, this works in every situation — romantic fights, workplace tension, or that friend who thinks the Earth is secretly flat but “just asking questions.” You don’t need to agree. You just need to show them you’re listening.
The Part Nobody Likes to Admit
Here’s the hard part: you can’t fake it. People can smell bullshit empathy from a mile away. If you repeat their words back with a sarcastic tone or your arms crossed, you might as well say, “Please, continue yelling.”
You actually have to care. You have to drop your ego for ten seconds and give a damn about what it feels like to be them. That’s emotional jiu-jitsu — turning conflict into connection without throwing a single verbal punch.
Stop Trying to Win — Try to Understand
The next time you’re in an argument, don’t reach for the sharpest comeback. Reach for curiosity. Ask yourself, “What pain is this person trying to show me that they can’t say out loud?”
Because once you see that — once you make them feel heard — the argument isn’t even necessary anymore. The problem isn’t gone, but the wall between you is.
And that’s the real victory. Not being right. Being connected.