My fiancé (34M) and I (30F) have been together for 5 years and living together for 1.5 years.
This morning, while I was cleaning the kitchen (I do all the cleaning) and already working from home, he came in at 7:30am and asked if I was the last person to shower. I said yes and mentioned I bathed the dog last night. He said the shower head was turned toward the door and sprayed him, getting his shirt wet. I apologized right away—I’ve accidentally done this once before while cleaning.
Then he asked me to go turn it off. I was confused why he left the water running, came to get me, and let it spray all over the floor. I rushed into the bathroom, turned it off, and grabbed towels. He stood in the doorway and asked, “About how long will it take you to finish cleaning?” which made me angry. I threw a towel down, rushed out, and told him he could go shower.
He pointed out there was still water on the floor. I told him it wouldn’t stop him from showering—I didn’t want to delay him further. He could tell I was upset, and I told him it felt like he was acting like a child coming to get his mom instead of just solving the problem. Yes, it was my mistake, but I apologized. I’m human.
I feel like whenever I make a mistake, he gives me almost no grace or patience. He acts like I’m not allowed to forget something once in a while, and an apology isn’t enough. When I tried to express that, he said he wasn’t yelling and that it “isn’t that hard to remember.” He said he’s never done it, and that I “need to learn,” and it had to be a big enough deal so I’d never forget again.
Lately, I feel like I prioritize peace and kindness, and he prioritizes blunt “truth,” which often feels cruel. He says sometimes he feels like I don’t like him because I react badly to his blunt honesty.
I don’t know what to do.
You apologized immediately. That should have been enough. In a healthy partnership, someone says, “Hey, heads up, the shower sprayed everywhere,” you say sorry, and you both move on. Instead, he turned it into a teachable moment. He left the water running, let it spill on the floor, and then called you in to handle it while he stood and watched. That’s not teamwork. That’s someone creating a bigger mess to prove a point.
When a partner says they need to “teach you a lesson,” that’s a huge red flag. That’s control disguised as honesty. And when he tells you that you don’t change unless he makes a big deal out of things, he’s saying he doesn’t trust your goodwill. That’s not love. That’s parenting behavior. And you’re not his child.
It also sounds like you’re someone who leads with peace, grace, and kindness. You assume good intent. You’re generous with forgiveness. He leads with bluntness and “truth,” but truth without compassion is cruelty. If every mistake comes with shame instead of grace, you’ll eventually stop feeling safe in your own home. You’ll start walking on eggshells. You’ll stop being yourself.
You don’t build intimacy by winning arguments or scoring lessons. You build intimacy by choosing each other, especially when someone messes up. You build trust by believing that your partner meant well. If he can’t offer grace over something as small as a shower head, what happens when life gets heavy?
This isn’t about water on the floor. It’s about emotional safety. It’s about respect. It’s about whether your partner sees you as an equal adult. You can love someone deeply and still say, “Hey, this dynamic isn’t okay.” Have the hard conversation. And if he can’t sit down with compassion and humility, then the real problem isn’t the shower, it’s the relationship.