Almost two years ago, my (M35) marriage began to fall apart after my wife (F34) had an affair, and we started talking about divorce. About 4 to 6 months ago, things began to improve.
Nearly a year ago, she moved out, leaving me and the kids in the house; her affair was my breaking point.
In the past few months, we’ve been doing well and even discussed her moving back in. I have reservations because I want a real relationship again, not just what we have now.
One major issue is rebuilding trust, and I made it clear that she must have no contact with the affair partner ever again, a rule set when we still lived together.
Here’s where my question lies: We’ve been on the same phone plan this whole time, and I flagged the guy’s number so that I’d get an email notification if any calls were made to or from it.
Over the last two days, I’ve received six emails about calls between them, ranging from 2 minutes to over an hour. I confronted her immediately, and she claims no calls were made.
The carrier is unreachable at the moment to check if there’s a system error, but everything else seems accurate. Should I give her the benefit of the doubt or consider this a breach of trust and move towards divorce?
Dear Rebuilder,
When someone is truly sorry for an affair, they slam every single door and window shut that leads back to that person. They change numbers, block contacts, offer total transparency, and do whatever it takes to make you feel safe again. They don’t secretly rekindle the relationship and then shrug when they get caught.
You can chase down the carrier, the phone logs, the stars and the moon looking for an alternate explanation—but that’s not really what’s happening here. What you’re actually doing is desperately searching for a reason not to believe what’s in front of your face.
That’s not love. That’s self-betrayal.
The version of “reconciliation” you’re holding onto is fantasy. Reconciliation without real accountability and radical transparency is just an extended breakup with more paperwork. You said you want a real relationship again. Real relationships require safety, clarity, and honesty. Right now, you don’t have any of those.
So here’s the truth: stop negotiating your dignity. You set a clear boundary that she violated over and over again. Stop being the relationship detective. A marriage cannot survive while one partner plays security guard and the other sneaks out the back door. And stop moving the goalposts every time you catch her. That’s how people lose years of their lives.
At this point, you don’t need more promises—you need a lawyer and a therapist. Promises already got broken. And I know you’re scared—scared to parent alone, scared to start over, scared of the shame that comes with divorce. But staying in a relationship where you know you’re being lied to isn’t noble. It’s slow-motion self-destruction, and it teaches your kids that betrayal is normal and boundaries are negotiable.
Your marriage as it was is over. It died the moment faithfulness did. You can choose to resurrect something new together, but only if both people show up with honesty, accountability, and remorse. Right now, only one of you is doing that work.
Protect your heart, protect your kids, and stop ignoring the evidence in front of you. You’re not choosing divorce. She already made that choice—she just spread the consequences onto your shoulders.
It’s time to put them down.