Pretty simple. We’ve been dating for over eleven years and over the past few years I have brought up my desire to get engaged and married. We have a good relationship, not perfect, but he is someone I have known I’ve wanted to marry for a long time.
Each time I have brought it up, he says it doesn’t make a difference if we’re married, he’s committed to me, doesn’t feel we need to rush to get married, and says he understands where I’m coming from but he’s just indifferent to it at this time.
It’s incredibly frustrating. He has told me (multiple times) that he thought we were on the same page because we talked immediately after college about waiting for a while to get married.
I am a low maintenance gal- I don’t want a fancy ring, I really don’t want a big wedding. I just think marriage… after 11 years together… is an important step and public commitment to one another. He said it doesn’t matter to him, which is disappointing and makes me feel pretty shitty (which I’ve told him).
I am struggling to not get resentful about the situation and it is only more difficult seeing everyone I know move forward with their lives and significantly shorter relationships.
I don’t believe in ultimatums in relationships and I would worry that it would impact our relationship afterwards if I back him into a corner on this.
But I also feel very much stuck in my own corner that I can’t get out of and I’m starting to really lose confidence in his feelings towards me.
I am an awfully pragmatic person, have never needed oodles of romance to feel happy, but I also never pictured myself in a long term relationship where I was begging for him to marry me.
Not sure what specific advice I’m asking for here but I’m all ears. I feel stuck and not sure how to move past this.
You’ve been in a relationship for eleven years, and he’s still “indifferent” about marrying you. That’s not confusion. That’s an answer.
He’s told you exactly where he stands — he doesn’t think marriage matters. You’ve told him exactly where you stand — that it does matter. You’re not miscommunicating; you’re just pretending the gap between you is smaller than it is because the truth hurts.
And here’s the truth: he’s comfortable. You’re convenient. He gets the stability, the companionship, the intimacy — all the benefits of a marriage — without having to actually commit to one. Why would he change? He’s already got everything he wants. The only one paying the emotional price here is you.
You say you don’t believe in ultimatums. Fair. But that’s not what this is anymore. This is about clarity. You have the right to say, “This is what I need in a partnership to feel secure, respected, and chosen.” And if he doesn’t want that, then you have the right to walk away. That’s not manipulation. That’s adulthood.
You’re not asking for a diamond the size of a golf ball. You’re asking for a man who wants to publicly stand beside you and say, “This is my person.” And if he can’t — or won’t — after more than a decade, then you have your answer. He’s not your forever person. He’s your placeholder.
I know that’s hard to hear because you’ve invested a third of your life into this. You’ve built memories, maybe a home, maybe even dreams of the future. But love that requires you to shrink yourself to keep the peace isn’t love. It’s quiet desperation.
Stop managing his indifference and start managing your self-respect. If marriage matters to you — and it clearly does — then stop apologizing for wanting it. You can either keep waiting for him to become someone he’s already told you he isn’t, or you can choose yourself and open the door to a life where you’re not stuck begging to be chosen.
You don’t need to threaten him. You just need to decide: Is this enough for me?
And if the answer is no — then have the courage to leave before another eleven years slip by.