Hi everyone. I’m 25F and married to my husband (28M). We’ve been together for seven years and married for six months. We’re currently going through a rough patch, and I’d really like to hear male perspectives since most of the feedback I’ve received so far has been from women.
About four years ago, my husband came to me extremely upset and depressed because he hated his job. He was also deeply into YouTube gurus and the online financial freedom space. He asked if he could quit his job to focus on videography and build a business. Feeling bad for him, I agreed. I also let him use my credit card to buy video equipment and courses.
At the time, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life. Looking back, I think part of me hoped that once his business took off, it would solve our financial struggles. I regret that now.
Four years later, there’s still no stable income. He gets occasional high paying gigs, but overall he earns less than the poverty level. During this time, I trusted that he was working hard and staying focused, even though I didn’t see much progress. I kept telling myself I was overthinking it.
I’ve been paying about 90 percent of our bills the entire time. A year ago, I finally confronted him. He admitted he hadn’t been taking things seriously but said he had changed and had a plan. Another year has passed, and while he may be trying more now, my trust has significantly diminished.
I’ve also found myself micromanaging him, which frustrates both of us. Financially, things are bad. My credit card debt has piled up since I’ve been the primary source of income, and my stress level is extremely high.
Emotionally, I’m struggling too. Physical touch is my love language, and he avoids that kind of affection. I’ve found myself asking: if he isn’t providing financially or emotionally, what role is he really playing in my life?
I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know whether to keep trusting him or accept that this isn’t going to change. Every woman I’ve spoken to thinks I should move on, but I’m hoping to hear male perspectives.
From the outside looking in, this doesn’t look like a partnership. It looks like a situation that works very well for him. He found someone willing to let him quit working, carry the financial load, take on debt for his dream, and continue believing in him year after year. That arrangement was reinforced when you married him after he had already been unemployed for three and a half years. From his point of view, there has been no real consequence and therefore no urgency to change.
Four years is a long time. It is enough time to earn a degree, change careers, build a skill set, or at least show consistent and measurable progress. Occasional high paying gigs and vague plans are not provision. Adults do not build a life on potential. They build it on reliability.
What’s most concerning isn’t only the money. It’s his posture. When someone responds to legitimate concerns with “just trust me,” what they’re really saying is “please stop making me uncomfortable.” Trust is not something you ask for while changing nothing. Trust grows when effort and results are visible and steady. Right now, that foundation is missing.
Real commitment shows up in behavior, not intentions. People do what they truly value, even when it requires sacrifice, structure, and discomfort. If providing stability and showing up for this marriage were a priority, there would already be concrete steps in place, not explanations about why it will happen later.
You are not failing him by questioning this. You are responding to reality. Carrying another adult for years does not make you supportive. It makes you depleted. And depletion inevitably turns into resentment.
A marriage can survive a hard season. It cannot survive one person endlessly carrying the load while the other avoids accountability. At some point, the most loving thing you can do, for both of you, is to stop supporting a dynamic that is unsustainable.
You don’t need more belief in who he might become. You need evidence of who he is willing to be right now.