My wife has been violent and aggressive for a long time, but since becoming pregnant it has escalated to an almost constant, daily occurrence.
She has a history of mental health struggles and was diagnosed with PMDD about a year ago. She only takes Vyvanse and refuses therapy or further treatment, taking no responsibility for her behavior.
For example, yesterday while driving home from the mall, she told me I was a piece of shit and said she would leave me for a richer man because I “didn’t open doors for her.” I did respond with insults, which I regret, but then she hit me and threw a Gatorade bottle at my head while I was driving. This happened despite the fact that I opened every door for her at the crowded mall.
At home, nothing I do is ever enough. She insults me, threatens to leave me, hits me, throws objects, and calls me “useless” and “not a man.” She involves her family by calling them on speaker or sending me screenshots of messages where she portrays me as lazy and unsupportive. Meanwhile, I do all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, dog care, and driving. I also work full time and earn more than she does.
I admit I’ve lost my temper at times and said things I regret, but I feel like I can’t endure the abuse anymore. She repeatedly tells me I’ll be a horrible father and husband. She demands expensive gifts, says the baby is my “Christmas gift,” and claims she never wanted a child, despite being the one who pushed for having one.
I want to be a dad, but I also want a peaceful, healthy home, and that feels more impossible every day. I don’t want to give up, but if this continues, I may have to focus on how we can co-parent instead.
What you’re describing isn’t marital conflict. It’s abuse. Being pregnant, having PMDD, or struggling with mental health does not excuse hitting you, throwing objects at your head while you’re driving, degrading you, or humiliating you in front of family.
You don’t get credit for staying in a burning house longer than necessary. Right now, the house is on fire.
You saying things you regret does not make this equal. That doesn’t make your words okay, but it explains why your nervous system is overloaded. No one stays regulated while being attacked repeatedly.
Here’s the hard line: violence changes the rules. Once someone hits you, throws objects, or puts your life at risk, the issue is no longer communication. It’s safety—yours and the baby’s.
You want to be a good dad. Good dads don’t raise children in chaos and fear. They don’t teach kids that love looks like intimidation and cruelty. And they don’t sacrifice themselves hoping someone else will eventually choose accountability.
You cannot force her into therapy. You cannot manage her mental health for her. And you cannot love someone into responsibility. The only thing you control is what you will and will not tolerate.
That means getting outside help now. A lawyer to understand your rights. A counselor for you. And a clear boundary that says violence ends immediately, or the relationship changes.
Wanting a peaceful household is not selfish. It’s the bare minimum. If she refuses treatment and continues this behavior, co-parenting may not be failure—it may be the most responsible decision you can make.
You don’t become a great father by absorbing damage. You become one by protecting yourself, your child, and your integrity.