It is the desire of almost every modern parent: We want to be close to our children. We want to be the one they tell their secrets to. We want to be the “cool” parent who gets it. We want to be their friend.
But if you are looking for a short answer to the question, “Should I be friends with my child?” the answer is no.
Not yet, anyway.
Aiming for friendship with a child is a dangerous trap that often backfires, leading to anxious kids and burnt-out parents. Here is why your child doesn’t need another friend—they need a parent.
The Difference Between “Friendly” and “Friends”
There is a massive distinction between being a friendly parent and being a friend.
- A Friendly Parent is warm, empathetic, playful, and emotionally available. They listen, they laugh, and they connect. But they also hold the boundary. They are the CEO of the house.
- A Friend is a peer. Friendship implies equality. In a friendship, we share our burdens equally. If I am sad, I lean on you. If you are sad, you lean on me. We make decisions together based on mutual agreement.
When you try to be “peers” with your child, you inadvertently strip them of the one thing they need most to feel safe: Authority.
The “Pilot” Analogy
Imagine you are on a plane experiencing massive turbulence.
Scenario A: The pilot comes over the intercom and says:
“Hey guys, I’m really stressed out about this wind. What do you think we should do? I don’t want anyone to be mad at me, so I’ll let you guys vote on the altitude.”
Scenario B: The pilot says:
“Folks, it’s bumpy, but I know exactly how to handle this. I need you to stay in your seats and buckle up. I’ve got us.”
In Scenario A, the pilot is trying to be a “friend.” And the passengers are terrified.
In Scenario B, the pilot is an authority. The passengers might not like the seatbelt, but they feel safe.
Your child is the passenger. You are the pilot. When you abdicate your role as pilot to be a “buddy,” your child feels deep, unconscious anxiety. They think, “If mom/dad is asking me for permission, then who is actually flying the plane?”
The Burden of Your Emotions
The most toxic element of “friendship parenting” is when parents start using their children for emotional support.
Because friends lean on each other, a parent might vent to their child about their marriage, their financial stress, or their loneliness. This is called enmeshment.
It feels like closeness, but it is actually a burden. A child should never feel responsible for their parent’s emotional well-being. When a child feels they have to “take care” of mom or dad’s feelings, they stop being a child. They suppress their own needs to keep you happy. That isn’t friendship; it’s emotional theft.
The Payoff Comes Later
Does this mean you can’t have a deep, beautiful connection with your child? Absolutely not. You should enjoy your kids! You should play video games with them, go for long drives, and have inside jokes.
But you must prioritize Respect over Likeability.
There will be times—when you take away the phone, enforce a curfew, or demand they eat a vegetable—when your child will not like you.
If your goal is “friendship,” you will cave to make them like you again.
If your goal is “parenting,” you will tolerate their anger because you know it is in their best interest.
Here is the secret: If you do the hard work of parenting now, you get to be friends later.
When they are 25, independent, and emotionally healthy because you gave them sturdy boundaries, that is when the friendship begins. That is when you get to sit across the table as peers.
But for now? Buckle up and fly the plane.