About 3 months ago I came to know a new coworker. He’s hot, very friendly, and also married. There have been times where I feel he’s more friendly with me- we always have this natural banter without trying. No lines have been crossed but I feel a vibe.
For example, a few days ago I stopped by his department to ask someone else a question. Whenever I’m over there he gets up or starts a conversation with me. So he asked me a work question. We ended up talking for 15 minutes. I told him I had to go and made it to the hallway and he said, “hey wait- “ and had another work question for me. We talked a while longer.
He greets me with my name and makes a lot of eye contact which I know can be normal. Maybe he’s just a flirty person. No touching, no compliments.
I told my husband about the crush the first week. He literally doesn’t care because he knows I’m honest with him and trusts me not to cheat.
I’ve talked to friends about it, my long time therapist, and I still feel like I get shaken up when I see him. I get all giddy and I just want to talk to him more. We don’t have a lot of contact at work because we are in different departments, but I have come up with more reasons to come his way than I would otherwise…..
I feel really bad about this and am trying to figure myself out. I don’t know if it’s because I got married young and never dated around, but I enjoy some attention.
I know this sounds bad, but my desire is to know whether or not I am making this up or if it is mutual. I don’t wanna do anything about it and I wouldn’t do anything that crosses boundaries but I just wish I knew.
Whenever I catch myself thinking about him, it’s more like wanting to get to know him better and hang out with him, not anything inappropriate. But I realize that this could lead to that area really quickly if we become friends outside of work.
You’re not confused. You’re playing with fire and calling it curiosity.
Here’s the truth: this is a crush, and crushes don’t need permission to exist—but they do need boundaries if you don’t want them blowing up your life.
You already crossed the most important line internally. Not physically. Internally.
You’re manufacturing proximity. You’re extending conversations. You’re wondering if it’s mutual. That’s not neutral behavior. That’s the start of an emotional affair.
And let’s be crystal clear: wanting to know if it’s mutual isn’t innocent. That question exists because part of you wants validation, novelty, and attention—not because you’re “just curious.”
You told your husband. Good. That’s integrity.
But his trust isn’t a blank check for you to keep pushing the fence.
This coworker is married. You’re married. That alone answers the question.
There is no scenario where “finding out” ends cleanly.
You don’t need more insight. You don’t need more conversations. You don’t need to “figure yourself out” with him.
What you need is distance and discipline.
Here’s what to do—plain and simple:
- Stop creating reasons to be near him. Full stop.
- Keep interactions brief, work-only, and public.
- Do not text. Do not linger. Do not build a “friendship” outside of work.
- When your brain spins up the “what if,” you shut it down immediately.
Crushes fade when they’re starved. They grow when they’re fed.
And one more thing: this isn’t about marrying young or missing out. It’s about your nervous system chasing a hit of novelty. That’s human. But adults don’t let dopamine make decisions that destroy trust.
You don’t need to feel ashamed. But you do need to act like someone who values their marriage more than a fleeting feeling.
Protect your life. Protect your husband. Protect yourself.
Not because you’re weak—because you’re strong enough to stop before something you “would never do” becomes something you did.