We have been together five years, have a 9 month old, and there is a significant age gap between us. When we first met, we bonded over being loving, open minded “hippie” types with similar music tastes and curiosity about the world. I was younger and more naive then, and our connection felt deeply enriching. I also briefly studied archaeology before dropping out of school.
Things started to shift right before I got pregnant. What began as a shared interest in aliens slowly turned into much more extreme conspiracy beliefs about satanic cults, lizard people, and ancient civilizations that likely never existed. I do not mind questioning mainstream ideas, but he now treats nearly all scientists as corrupt or part of some hidden agenda and gets upset whenever I disagree. If I bring up the history of racism in conspiracy movements, he tells me I am brainwashed.
Since pregnancy and now nine months postpartum, I have lost attraction to him largely because of this. When he starts talking about these theories, I feel shut down and overwhelmed and often want to leave the room. This tension became especially intense around vaccines. I told him I would leave if he went anti vax, yet he still pushed hard for an extended vaccine schedule, which I reluctantly agreed to under certain conditions.
I have repeatedly suggested therapy, but he says he is too old to change, that he does not need it, or he agrees and then cancels at the last minute. I love him and want to make this work, but I feel defeated, disrespected, and intellectually isolated.
I did not grow up with healthy relationship role models, so I genuinely do not know what is reasonable or how to handle this without constant fighting. I am not sure if I am overreacting, and I do not know what a healthy next step would even look like.
You are not overreacting. You are responding like a mother who sees that something in her home feels unsafe, unstable, and disconnected from reality. That instinct is healthy. The problem is not that your partner believes strange things. It is that he refuses to stay grounded, refuses to listen, and refuses to show up in good faith when conflict arises. When someone repeatedly dismisses your mind, your concerns, and your boundaries, attraction dies and trust follows it out the door. That is not a personal flaw in you. That is what happens in broken partnerships.
You did not “change” after pregnancy. You grew up into your responsibility as a parent, while he doubled down on beliefs that push you out of conversation and out of safety. You are not abandoning him by noticing this. You are noticing reality.
Here is the part most people are afraid to say out loud. Leaving him is not a moral failure. Staying is not automatically noble. Both are serious, painful, complicated choices that would change your life. The real question is not, “Do I love him?” You clearly do. The question is, “Can I raise a child, protect my peace, and live with dignity in this relationship as it currently exists?” If the honest answer is no, then leaving becomes a legitimate option, not a threat or a punishment, but a boundary.
At the same time, leaving does not have to mean tomorrow, dramatically, or with a scorched earth breakup. It can mean quietly taking your life seriously enough to imagine alternatives, gather support, and stop assuming you are stuck forever. You do not need to make a final decision right now. You do need to stop telling yourself that leaving is unthinkable.
You deserve a co-parent who can meet you in shared reality, speak to you with respect, and actually show up for therapy instead of dodging it. If he cannot or will not become that person, you are allowed to choose a different future, even if that future is terrifying and sad.
You are not asking too much. You are asking for sanity, partnership, and safety in your own home. That is the bare minimum, not a luxury.