Husband is close to a female colleague. Should I be worried?
Over the past year, my husband has become close to a female colleague. In fairness to him, he did ask me at the time,
was it ok for him to have a female friend in work that he might occasionally go to lunch with. I said yes that was fine
as I trust him.The issue is that now they go to lunch once a week and message each other numerous times throughout the day. Every day.
He always keeps his phone with him and, much as I hate doing it, I can check his messages to her via his smartwatch when
he leaves it charging.They message about everything not just work related issues. They message about meals, plans and send photos of random
things to each other.
They bought each other birthday and Christmas presents. Not generic things. Things that show how well they know each other.
Their own personal tastes.They also buy each other things just because. She bought him a lovely bottle of kebab sauce and he bought her a fancy wine
glass on the same day. He doesn’t tell me about the gifts and just says someone bought me it if I question him.I took the day off for his birthday and we went for breakfast then he travelled up to work to have lunch with this colleague!
I expressed surprise and explained that I had taken the day off to spend with him but he went anyway.I have expressed concern but he becomes defensive and tells me that I can’t take his friend away from him because I said they
could be friends!
This isn’t about whether men and women can be friends. Of course they can. This is about boundaries, priority, and honesty,
and right now, those are broken.
Weekly lunches. Constant messaging. Emotional play-by-play of daily life. Thoughtful gifts. Secret gifts. Defensiveness.
Leaving his wife on his birthday to have lunch with another woman.
That’s not a casual work friendship. That’s an emotional relationship.
And here’s the part that matters most: you don’t feel safe. Your nervous system is on fire. You’re checking his smartwatch
because your gut is screaming that something is wrong. That’s not you being “crazy.” That’s your body reacting to a lack of
transparency and respect.
When he says, “You said I could have a female friend,” he’s dodging responsibility. You agreed to a friendship, not a secret
second relationship with emotional intimacy, gift-giving, and priority over his spouse.
Healthy friendships don’t require secrecy. Healthy friendships don’t make a spouse feel replaced. Healthy friendships don’t
come with defensiveness when concerns are raised.
You’re not trying to “take his friend away.” You’re asking your husband to act like a husband.
So here’s the line that needs to be drawn: this relationship is hurting the marriage, and it has to change.
Not “you’re not allowed.” Not ultimatums. But clear, adult truth.
If he wants to stay married, he needs to choose transparency, boundaries, and your emotional safety over this dynamic.
That may mean fewer messages, no gifts, no private lunches, or looping you into the friendship fully. What it cannot mean
is continuing exactly as things are while telling you to swallow your pain.
And if he refuses to acknowledge that this is a problem? Then you’re no longer talking about a colleague, you’re talking
about a marriage where one person’s needs don’t matter.
A marriage survives honesty and boundaries. It does not survive dismissal and defensiveness.
Trust your gut. It’s trying to protect you.