I’m going through a very difficult time in my marriage. It started when I entered a period of depression. My wife and I both have demanding jobs, and a new project at work required longer hours, which is what triggered the depression.
While I was dealing with that, I made a serious mistake. I started confiding in a coworker about how I was feeling. I believed I could trust her as a friend, but I was in a vulnerable state, and that led to an affair.
My wife found out, and we are going to counseling on Monday. Right now, our marriage is on the ropes. I’ve been trying to get her to understand my depression and how low my mental health was, but she doesn’t want to hear it.
Own your cheating. Fully. It was a choice. Not a mood. Not a season. Not your job. Not your depression. A choice. Until you say that out loud and mean it, you’re stuck.
Your depression is real. It matters. And it still does not excuse what you did. When you frame the affair as something that happened to you because you were vulnerable, what your wife hears is that you’re dodging responsibility. She’s not refusing to hear about your mental health. She’s refusing to accept a story that turns betrayal into an unfortunate side effect.
You weren’t manipulated into cheating. You didn’t fall into it. You walked into it one step at a time, and you didn’t stop. That’s the truth you have to face before anything can heal.
Right now, trying to get your wife to understand why you cheated is the wrong move. It sounds like you’re asking her to soften the blow so you can feel better about yourself. She shouldn’t accept that, and honestly, it wouldn’t help you even if she did.
If there’s any path forward, it starts with radical ownership. No explanations. No context. No defense. Just this: I chose to betray you. I caused this damage. I have work to do to become a safer, better man.
And here’s the part you may not want to hear: until you do that work, real work, over time, with humility, there is no moving forward, whether this marriage survives or not.
This isn’t about being forgiven yet. It’s about becoming someone who doesn’t do this again. Only then does anything else even matter.