For context, I (44F) have two kids (20M and 18F) with my ex. About seven years ago we split, and when they were still teens, I decided to move abroad to start fresh and pursue my dating life. I sold my house quickly and left shared custody to my ex and a grandparent, then relocated to be near family. I’ve been with my fiancé (36M) for about a year and a half, we got engaged recently, and we’re getting married in June. I call my kids weekly, though usually just for a few minutes.
Over the holidays, my younger child and a grandparent visited me for the first time since I moved. They stayed with my fiancé’s parents because our place is small. While she was polite at times, she was mostly cold, rude to his family, dismissive toward him, complained constantly, and even made an inappropriate gesture in a family photo. I spoke to her about her behavior, but nothing really changed. After she went home, I told her on the phone I wouldn’t be getting her anything else for her birthday because of how she acted.
Yesterday I called to say I’d be buying her plane ticket to the wedding, and she audibly scoffed. I told her I’m marrying him whether she likes it or not and she needs to be pleasant if she comes. She groaned, so I said if she’s going to act that way, she shouldn’t come at all. She hung up, and we haven’t spoken since.
Maybe it was a tad bit harsh but I was genuinely getting sick of her attitude. She has no love for her new family at all when they’ve been nothing but nice to her.
You left your kids when they were still kids to “start fresh” and focus on your dating life. That may have been what you wanted, but let’s call it what it was for them: abandonment. You can dress it up as relocation, healing, or a new chapter — they experienced it as Mom left. Weekly five-minute calls don’t repair that wound. That’s maintenance contact, not parenting.
Your daughter isn’t being “cold” because she hates your fiancé. She’s angry because she lost her mom years ago and now she’s being asked to celebrate the life that replaced her.
And instead of leaning in and asking, “What hurt are you carrying?” you punished her with birthday consequences and wedding ultimatums. That’s not leadership. That’s control. You’re demanding respect from someone whose pain you haven’t made space for.
You told her she needs to be pleasant if she comes to your wedding. She hears: Perform happiness about the life that excluded you.
You’re the adult. She’s the child. Even at 18.
If you want a relationship with her, drop the pride and pick up humility. Call her. Not to correct her attitude. To own your choices.
Say: “I hurt you when I left. I can see that now. I’m sorry. I want to understand how you feel.”
Then be quiet and listen. No defending. No explaining. No “but I needed…” Just listen.
Right now you’re trying to win a behavior battle while losing your daughter.
Decide which matters more.