Me (27F) and my fiancé (27M) have been together 4 years, engaged for 6 months. His ex (30F) was with him for 5 years before they split.
I’ve always trusted him, and I’ve never had an issue with him staying friends with his ex—until recently. What’s been bothering me is that she still calls him “babe.”
Their breakup was mutual, and they stayed friendly. He told me early on that they still talk occasionally, and I appreciated his honesty. I even met her once—she was nice. But a few weeks ago, I overheard a phone call where she laughed and said, “Oh, you always do that, babe!” and it stopped me cold.
I brought it up that night, calmly, and he said she’s always called him that—it doesn’t mean anything. When I asked if he thought it was weird now that he’s engaged, he said he hadn’t really thought about it.
But I have. And it doesn’t sit right. Not because I think anything’s going on, but because being engaged means certain boundaries should naturally shift. Would she say that in front of me? Would she still call him that if I wasn’t around? And why hasn’t he ever said, “Hey, I’m engaged now, let’s cut the pet names”?
I don’t want to come off as controlling or insecure—but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable either. It’s not even the word itself—it’s what it implies. If the roles were reversed, I’m pretty sure he’d feel the same.
So… do I bring it up again and ask him to set that boundary? Or do I let it go and hope it really is just a habit?
You are not crazy for noticing this. But the problem is not the word “babe.” The real issue is unclear boundaries and a fiancé who has not fully stepped into his future with you.
You are engaged. That means relationships with exes should naturally change. This is not because she is a bad person or because he is cheating. It is because marriage requires different boundaries than dating.
Right now, he is taking the easy route by saying he “didn’t think about it.” That may not be malicious, but it is passive. And passive people create messy relationships because they avoid hard conversations instead of setting clear expectations.
You trust him and you do not think anything inappropriate is happening. But something still feels off, because you are carrying the discomfort while he is not actively protecting the relationship he is building with you.
When someone is preparing for marriage, they do not let old romantic dynamics linger. They close those doors respectfully and clearly. A mature partner would say, “I’m engaged now, so let’s drop the pet names.”
Asking for appropriate boundaries with an ex is not controlling. It is basic relationship hygiene. You are not trying to control him. You are communicating what you need to feel safe and respected in a marriage.
Yes, bring it up again, but differently. Do not argue about the word or whether it “means anything.” Talk about your expectations for marriage. You could say:
“I’m not accusing you of anything, but when your ex calls you pet names and nothing changes, it makes me feel like our relationship isn’t being protected. If we’re getting married, I need clear boundaries with former partners.”
Then pay attention to how he responds. A healthy response looks like understanding, ownership, and action. An unhealthy response looks like defensiveness, minimizing your feelings, or refusing to address it.
Marriage should not be built on hoping someone changes later. It should be built on who they are right now. You are not asking him to choose sides. You are asking him to protect the relationship he says he wants with you.