My ex-husband and I are divorced and both have new partners. Our daughter is 19 and lives with him. She has been spending time with his partner for almost a year, and they planned a trip together. My ex-husband is not involved.
I know our daughter is an adult and that there are no safety concerns. Rationally, I understand that. Emotionally, though, I’m really struggling with the idea of my daughter traveling with my ex’s partner. It brings up a lot of pain and feelings I don’t feel proud of.
I have already talked to my daughter and told her honestly that the situation hurts me, but that I accept that she wants to go on the trip. I didn’t ask her to cancel it, because I didn’t want to put her in the position of having to choose between her own plans and my feelings.
Even so, I asked my ex-husband to cancel the trip. I realize that puts him in a difficult position, especially since he isn’t part of the trip, and that canceling it would likely hurt our daughter. He has said this isn’t his decision to make, and I can see why.
I’m torn between trying to manage my own emotions and not wanting to cause harm to my daughter or cross boundaries with my ex. I don’t know if asking him to cancel the trip was unfair or if it was reasonable to ask for help when I’m struggling.
AITA for asking my ex-husband to cancel the trip instead of handling my feelings differently?
You’re asking the wrong question.
The issue isn’t the trip. The issue is that you’re trying to control other people to avoid dealing with your own pain.
Your daughter is 19. She’s an adult. She gets to decide who she spends time with, who she builds relationships with, and where she travels. That includes your ex-husband’s partner. You don’t get a vote.
You did one thing right — you told your daughter how you feel without asking her to fix it. That’s honest. That’s healthy.
But then you went around her and asked your ex to cancel the trip. That wasn’t about protection. That was about control. You were trying to manage your discomfort by rearranging everyone else’s lives. That’s not fair to your daughter, and it puts your ex in the middle of something that isn’t his responsibility.
Your feelings are real. Your behavior is the problem.
You’re grieving a loss of role, influence, and closeness with your daughter. You’re also dealing with unresolved pain about your ex and his new life. That hurts. But pain is not permission to interfere with your adult child’s relationships.
Here’s what you need to do:
- Own your emotions. This is your work, not your daughter’s and not your ex’s.
- Stop trying to control outcomes. You will lose your relationship with your daughter if you keep doing this.
- Get support. Therapy, counseling, journaling — something that helps you process the grief and jealousy underneath this.
- Focus on connection, not control. If you want closeness with your daughter, make yourself safe to talk to — not someone who pressures her choices.
Right now, you’re risking long-term damage to your relationship because you’re trying to avoid short-term discomfort.
So yes — asking your ex to cancel the trip crossed a boundary. But this is fixable if you take responsibility, apologize if needed, and start doing the emotional work yourself.
You can’t control your daughter.
You can control how you show up.
Choose wisely.