I’m 34F and my partner is 46M. We’ve been together a little over two and a half years, and I just found out I was the other woman the entire time.
For a while I had this gut feeling something wasn’t right. He would always mention his “former partner,” saying they stayed close because of their history and that they were basically family now. I asked questions here and there, but he always made it sound reasonable and I didn’t have any real evidence, so I tried to trust him.
A few days ago I asked to borrow his tablet to look something up, and he told me he didn’t own one. That immediately felt suspicious because I had seen it before at his place. After he left for work, I looked around and found it in a drawer. I shouldn’t have opened it, but I did.
What I saw made my stomach drop. They were never broken up. They’re still fully in a relationship. From the messages, it’s clear I was the side relationship the entire time and had no idea.
Now I feel like the last few years of my life were completely fabricated. Vacations, holidays, meeting his “friends,” all of it feels fake. I feel embarrassed, angry, and honestly sick thinking about how much I trusted him.
I’ve already started gathering my things and I know I’m done with him, but I’m struggling with one question: should I tell her? Part of me feels like she deserves to know, because I would want someone to tell me. But another part of me worries it would just create more chaos and pain, and I don’t even know if it’s my place to get involved.
I feel completely shaken and don’t know what the right move is here. What would you do in this situation?
You’re right to leave. That part isn’t even a question.
Now about telling her.
Ask yourself one thing: if you were in her position, living a life built on lies, would you want to know? Most people would. Truth gives people agency. Lies take it away.
But your motivation matters. If you want to tell her to punish him, get revenge, or release your anger, don’t do it. That just spreads more chaos. If you tell her, it needs to come from a calm place of honesty, not an emotional explosion.
And understand this: telling her won’t fix your pain. It won’t give you closure. It won’t make the last couple of years make sense. It just gives another person the truth.
Right now your priority is you. Get out. Get safe. Lean on people who care about you. Process the shock. You just had your reality flipped upside down.
If, after you’ve stepped away and you can speak calmly and respectfully, you choose to tell her, then do it simply. Facts only. No drama. No attacks. Just the truth.
But don’t confuse your healing with her knowing. Your healing comes from walking away from a man who showed you exactly who he is.
Leave. Grieve what you thought you had. Then rebuild. That’s the path forward.