I am overweight. I am not extremely insecure, but I do not love my body either. My boyfriend has always been thin. Earlier in our relationship, I made some comments I regret, like saying he was not really “hot,” just cute, and that in different circumstances I might not have dated him. I apologized, but he clearly took it to heart.
A few months later, he became very focused on the gym and eating healthy. When we go out, he always orders the healthiest option or sometimes will not eat at all if there is nothing that fits his plan. He says he is still close enough to his calorie goal and that missing some days is not a big deal.
He barely does his old hobbies anymore. When I asked why, he said my comments made him feel unattractive and that working out helps him feel better about himself.
Recently, I was on my period and really wanted fast food. We usually split a big box of nuggets together when we eat out. This time, he ordered a salad instead. I ended up not getting nuggets because I felt embarrassed sitting there with his “healthy” food, and it upset me. I told him it makes me feel bad about myself when he orders things like salads or protein-style burgers and I want something heavier.
I asked him to ease up on the gym and stop being so strict with food because I do not like how this is affecting me and our relationship. He said it is his body and he is not stopping. I told him I do not approve of this lifestyle and that I preferred how he was before. He said I was being controlling and ended the conversation.
I still think he is taking this too far and that he should change instead of making me feel uncomfortable and insecure all the time. And I think his obsession with the gym isn’t good for him either.
First, you make him feel like crap by insulting his body and his self image. Then he takes that pain and channels it into something productive. Now you’re upset because his growth exposes your insecurity.
If you want any shot at salvaging this relationship before it turns fully toxic, you need to do some deep work on yourself. Not surface-level “I’ll try to feel better.” Real work. Ask yourself why you felt the need to cut him down in the first place, and why his healthy choices trigger shame so intense that you change your order and then blame him for it.
This isn’t about nuggets. It’s about self-worth.
Right now the dynamic is sliding into something ugly: you hurt him, he changes, you resent him for changing, you try to control him, he pulls away. That cycle will rot this relationship from the inside if you don’t stop it.
You don’t heal this by asking him to shrink. You heal this by owning your insecurity and getting help if you need it—therapy, journaling, honest conversations, whatever it takes. Because if you don’t deal with your body image and your need for external validation, this pattern will follow you into every relationship you ever have.
He is not responsible for managing your discomfort. You are.
If you want this to work, apologize again—not just for what you said back then, but for trying to control him now. Tell him you’re going to work on yourself. Then actually do it.