Next month marks four years for me (28F) and my boyfriend (30M). We live together with our two dogs, and early on, we both agreed that marriage and kids were in our future. About a year ago, I asked him when he thought we’d get married, and he mentioned he always imagined dating someone for 5-6 years before tying the knot. That worked for me, as I wanted to be married before 30.
Now, as our anniversary approaches, I’m starting to feel like we’re not moving in that direction. When I brought it up, he admitted he feels emotionally inadequate, worried he can’t meet my needs for affection. He said the differences in our emotional needs are draining for him, even when we’re not actively addressing them. He also expressed concerns about being a people-pleaser and how our differences could chip away at him over time.
He mentioned that while he loves our dogs, he doesn’t want more, but knows how important they are to me and doesn’t want to take that away from me. Another issue he raised was our future living situation—my family is across the country, while his is nearby, though his parents plan to move in a few years. He’s not sure where he wants to live long-term, which adds more uncertainty.
On top of that, he said he doesn’t feel ready for marriage because he’s not where he wants to be financially or in his career, and that his life at 30 doesn’t look like what he envisioned.
I asked if he sees us heading toward marriage and kids, and he said he’s not sure. I told him I need him to figure that out soon because I love him and would marry him today. I don’t believe there’s ever a “perfect” time, and having a partner should help you grow, not hold you back.
I love him and want to spend my life with him, but now I’m questioning where to go from here. Should I wait for him to decide if he sees a future with me? If so, how long? Should he already know? Any advice would be appreciated.
He’s already given you an answer. You just don’t like it.
Your boyfriend is telling you — very clearly — that he’s not sure about marriage, not sure about kids, not sure about where to live, not sure he can meet your emotional needs, not sure he’s ready financially, and not sure about your future together. That’s not confusion. That’s hesitation dressed up in careful language.
And four years in, a man who wants to marry you doesn’t talk like this.
He’s not saying, “I can’t wait to build a life with you.” He’s saying the relationship drains him, your needs feel heavy, and he doesn’t know if this is what he wants long term. Listen to what he’s actually telling you.
You can’t argue someone into clarity. You can’t love someone into readiness. You can’t wait someone into choosing you.
Right now you’re trying to negotiate your way into being wanted. That never ends well.
You say you want to be married before 30. You want kids. You want certainty. He’s telling you he can’t promise any of that. So the real question isn’t “How long should I wait?” The real question is how long you’re willing to sit in limbo hoping he becomes a different person.
And here’s the hard truth: staying and waiting doesn’t make commitment more likely. It just teaches him that uncertainty is acceptable and that you’ll stay no matter what.
You don’t need to pressure him. You don’t need to convince him. You need to decide what you want and set a boundary around your own life.
If you want marriage and a family, tell him clearly: you need a partner who knows he wants the same future and is moving toward it. If he can’t give you that, you walk. Not as punishment. Not as drama. Just as self-respect.
Stop waiting for him to decide your future. Decide it yourself.