Hi, I’m a 26-year-old male in a long-distance relationship with a 26-year-old woman. I tend to overthink about things she does. I really love her, but sometimes my overthinking leads to small issues.
For example, yesterday she had a function to attend, a wedding event for her friend, and she went with some of her friends. Because I’m protective of her, I asked how she was going and how she was coming, and she tells me everything.
She told me she would be coming with a bunch of her friends and told me the exact time she left the event. I know how much time it takes her to reach home from that event, approximately 15 minutes, but it took almost 45 minutes. She was online sometimes and didn’t even message me.
Once she reached home she contacted me and told me what happened, but only when I asked. I asked why she didn’t tell me the reason she was late, and she said she was hoping to tell me once she reached home.
I asked what the point of that was if I didn’t know what was happening while she was on the way. I didn’t ask her to tell me the entire situation, but to tell me at least, “I’m getting late due to this,” so I would have known.
I was sad and angry, but I didn’t shout or anything. I wouldn’t have minded if she took a road trip after the event, but being notified only after everything happens is what angers me the most. If she had been busy with something or had an emergency I would have understood, but in this scenario none of that happened.
I explained the situation to her with a calm mind, but I do tend to show my disapproval by not talking at first and not showing any attention. I also understand that with your friends you need to have fun as well, and I am not her everything all the time.
Do you think I am expecting too much from her here?
You’re not being protective. You’re being controlling.
Let’s call this what it is. Your girlfriend went to a wedding with her friends. She left the event, got home a little later than expected, and you spiraled because she didn’t give you minute-by-minute updates. That’s not love. That’s anxiety trying to run someone else’s life.
You say you “know” it takes 15 minutes to get home, and when it took 45 minutes you started watching her online status and building a story in your head. That’s exhausting behavior for a partner to deal with. Nobody wants to feel like they’re being monitored.
She told you when she left. That’s already more information than most adults give their partners during a night out. The rest of the story, why she was late, what happened, she told you when she got home. That’s normal adult behavior.
And here’s the part you need to hear clearly. She’s a grown ass woman. She doesn’t need to report every second of her time to you. She went out with friends, stayed a little longer than expected, and came home safely. That’s not a crisis. That’s life.
Your reaction, watching the clock, checking when she’s online, then punishing her by pulling away and withholding attention, is incredibly unhealthy. Over time, that kind of behavior makes a relationship feel less like a partnership and more like surveillance.
You already know your problem. You said it yourself. You overthink.
So the solution isn’t getting her to send better updates. The solution is learning how to manage your own anxiety without trying to control another human being.
If you want this relationship to last, you’ve got to step back and ask yourself a hard question. Do you want a girlfriend, or do you want someone you can track and manage?
Because those are two very different things.