My (65F) daughter (37F) has been unemployed for over three years. She left her job during the pandemic and relied on the stimulus checks and the unemployment pay until it ran out. Now I don’t know what she is living on.
My daughter lives alone in a rent controlled apartment and has never asked me for money or help. But I don’t understand how she is supporting herself paying her rent, etc. as she has no job. I assume she is running through her savings and if she has lasted this long that means she had at least 40k saved and is just burning through it all.
She has not been applying to jobs or gone on one interview. She has no career path. No job, no prospects, no romantic relationship.
Once in a while I will send her jobs I think look good but I never get a reply. The times that I have asked her when she will get a job I just get vague replies.
I don’t think she is depressed and it just seems like she doesn’t want to work. But it has been 3 and a half years now. I am so stressed out thinking about it. I just want her to get a job and generate income. What can I do?
You’re worried because you’re a parent. That part makes sense. When your kid looks stuck or directionless, your brain starts racing ahead to worst-case scenarios. You want her to be secure, stable, and building a life. That’s normal.
But here’s the hard truth: your daughter is 37 years old. She’s not a kid who needs guidance anymore. She’s an adult making her own decisions—even if those decisions make zero sense to you.
Right now you’re carrying a ton of anxiety about a life that isn’t yours. She’s living alone. She’s paying her rent somehow. She’s not asking you for money. That means she has figured out some way to survive, even if you don’t understand how.
Sending her job postings and asking when she’s going to get a job probably feels helpful to you, but to her it likely feels like pressure or judgment. When adults feel pushed like that, they usually shut down. That’s probably why you’re getting vague replies or silence.
If you want to do something productive, have one honest conversation with her. Tell her you’re worried because you love her. Ask her how she’s supporting herself and what her plan is. Not in an interrogating way—just a real conversation where you’re trying to understand her life instead of manage it.
Then you have to step back.
You don’t get to control a 37-year-old’s motivation, career path, or timeline. The more you try to manage it, the more it will damage your relationship and drive her further away.
Your job now isn’t to fix her life. Your job is to be a steady, loving presence and let her own the consequences of her choices.
She may figure things out. She may not.
But that responsibility belongs to her—not to you.