We’ve been married nearly ten years and have four kids. Over the years, there have been moments where my husband’s lack of action has made him seem weak or unwilling to protect me.
The first was when I was eight months pregnant and a woman aggressively shoved my belly and hurled insults. I was hurt and scared. My husband stood there and said nothing—even when she turned on him. I felt abandoned, though I tried to chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and move on.
More recently, a large aggressive dog came at us while we were walking. I instinctively grabbed for his arm, but he elbowed me away. The dog eventually left, but I broke down crying. He apologized for not reacting “perfectly,” even though he knows I have a deep fear of big dogs from a past attack.
Then this morning, a small kitchen fire started. I shouted “fire!” and moved the kids out, while he just stood there yelling. I grabbed the fire blanket, put it out, carried the flaming toaster outside, and poured water on it. He stood by and later told the kids, “thank God for your mom’s survival instincts.” I didn’t say anything, but I was upset—I had to handle the fire and the kids while he froze.
There have been other moments like this too. He’s fit, goes to the gym, and is physically bigger than me—but in crisis situations, he doesn’t act. It’s becoming a turn off. I’m not leaving him over it, but I’m struggling with the growing lack of attraction.
Would other women feel the same?
Your husband freezes when things get real. And freezing once in a blue moon is human. But you’re describing a pattern. Pregnancy incident. Dog incident. Kitchen fire. Multiple moments where something scary happens and the person who should be your teammate checks out.
That’s not just about “not reacting perfectly.” That’s about responsibility.
You were eight months pregnant and someone shoved your stomach. That’s not a complicated moment. That’s a moment where a husband steps between his wife and the person threatening her and says, “Back up.”
When a large aggressive dog comes at your family and your wife is terrified because of a past attack, that’s not a time to elbow her away and leave her alone with the fear. That’s a time to get in front of your family and deal with the situation.
And the kitchen fire? You moved the kids, grabbed the blanket, stopped the fire, carried the flaming toaster outside, and put it out. Meanwhile he stood there yelling. Then he praised your instincts afterward like he was watching a documentary instead of participating in his own life.
Of course your attraction is taking a hit. Attraction in long-term relationships is tied to respect and safety. When someone repeatedly shows they shut down in moments where their family needs them, it changes how you see them.
Now here’s the part that matters.
This doesn’t mean your husband is a bad man. But it does mean he has a serious problem he needs to face. He cannot keep drifting through life assuming someone else will handle the crisis.
He’s a father of four. The stakes are higher now.
That means learning how to respond under pressure. Taking a basic emergency response course. Practicing fire safety. Talking through what happens if a dog charges, if someone threatens the family, if something goes wrong at home. Rehearsal matters because people who freeze often freeze less when they have a plan.
But more than anything, he needs to understand that this isn’t just about competence. It’s about showing up.
You didn’t marry him to be the only adult in the room when things go sideways.
If he cares about the marriage and the respect inside it, he needs to start working on that now. Not defensively. Not with excuses. With humility and action.
Because the longer this pattern continues, the harder it becomes to unsee it.