My husband and I live next door to his mom, but he still calls her every day, sometimes up to three times a day. He sends her photos of everything, his meals, his activities, and texts her constantly. He takes her out about four days a week and walks over to see her regularly.
He shares almost everything about his day with her.
I don’t feel jealous of her, but I do feel like my husband should have some boundaries.
We’ve talked and fought about this many times, almost every week. After our arguments, he says he just wants me to be happy for him and his mom.
For example, when we were out to dinner on Friday, she texted him about a problem with some documents that couldn’t even be fixed at that moment. I told him he could handle it later, but he got angry and said I was trying to control him.
I’m not trying to control him or stop him from seeing or helping his mom. I just told him that I feel uncomfortable with how constant it is.
Honestly, this situation makes me feel like a second wife sometimes. Is this normal?
Even in their chats, my husband asks her things like, “Do you want to see me today or tomorrow?” If she says “anything,” and he chooses tomorrow, but she goes quiet, he immediately walks over to see her.
They video call every morning. He orders food delivery for her three times a day. And if we wake up late, she calls him asking where he is and why he disappeared.
Now he’s even asked me to live separately because he wants to do all of this with his mom freely.
When I bring it up, he says she’s old and that I should just accept it and mind my own business.
No, this is not normal. And more importantly, it is not healthy.
Your husband is not acting like a married man. He is acting like a partner to his mother.
There is nothing wrong with loving your mom, helping your mom, or even being close to your mom. That is not the issue. The issue is that he has not emotionally left his mother to build a life with you.
Right now, you are not his primary relationship. She is.
And he has made that very clear, not just with his behavior, but with his words. He literally told you he wants to live separately so he can keep doing this without limits. That is not confusion. That is a decision.
You are not crazy for feeling like a second wife. That is exactly the dynamic you are in.
This is what is actually happening. You are asking for basic marital boundaries. He is calling that control. That is how he avoids changing.
You cannot fix this by arguing harder or explaining it better. He understands. He just does not agree.
So now you have a hard choice to make.
You either accept that this is the marriage you are in, where you will always come second, or you draw a line and say this is not acceptable for you.
That line might sound like this. I am willing to be married to you, but not in a relationship where I am not your priority. If that is what you want, then we need to seriously rethink this marriage.
And then you have to be prepared to follow through.
Because right now, he has no reason to change. He gets both. He gets full access to his mom and a wife who stays, even when she is hurting.
You are not asking for too much. You are asking to be chosen by your husband.
And until he decides to actually be a husband first, nothing about this situation will improve.