My boyfriend (27M) and I (27F) have known each other for 10 years and been together for 8. We grew up together—first love, university, life milestones, everything. We moved in together after graduating and have built a stable life with similar careers and income.
Early on, we talked about marriage and agreed we’d wait until we were financially stable. After we both got good jobs, I felt ready—and our families started asking about it too. I held off bringing it up because his job was stressful.
Last year, an opportunity came up where being married could give us certain benefits. We talked seriously about a quick civil wedding and even discussed it with our families. It made me feel like he was ready.
But when I later asked if he’d still want to get married without those benefits, he said he wasn’t ready at all—and admitted he wasn’t even ready for the “benefits” marriage either. That conversation ended with me crying and him saying he loves me, wants to marry me someday, but marriage feels “too grown-up,” and he’s not ready for the expectations that come with it—especially kids, even though we’re both aligned on not wanting kids anytime soon.
I’ve always imagined being married before 30. After nearly a decade together, it didn’t feel unreasonable. But he said he can’t even promise he’ll be ready by then. I even suggested getting engaged and waiting on the wedding, but he didn’t want that either.
This hurts more because everything else in our relationship is solid. He’s kind, loving, loyal—truly the best person I know. No cheating, no red flags, great compatibility, equal finances, supportive families. I trust him completely, and I can’t imagine loving anyone else like this.
But I feel stuck. I hate calling him my “boyfriend”—it feels like it minimizes what we have. I want to feel chosen. I want the commitment to be visible, real, and shared with the world. And yes, it’s hard watching friends in shorter relationships move forward while I stay in limbo.
We’re currently long distance, and when I brought it up again recently, nothing had changed. I broke down all over again.
I don’t want to leave him—I’d rather be with him than be married to someone else. But I don’t know how long I can keep hoping something will change. And I can’t shake the feeling that if he truly loved me the way I love him, he’d be willing to take that step.
I feel desperate for wanting this so badly—and I don’t know what to do anymore.
This man does not want to get married. Not now. Not on your timeline. Maybe not ever.
And “someday” is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. “Someday” keeps you around without requiring anything from him right now.
You’ve built something real. Ten years of history. Deep love. Shared life. That matters. But love and alignment are not the same thing.
You want marriage. Not as a vague idea, but as a real commitment. You want to be chosen, anchored, and publicly all-in with someone. That matters to you. He does not want that right now. That is the issue.
You’ve already tried being patient, understanding, flexible, and low-pressure. You waited. You didn’t push. You suggested a civil wedding. You suggested an engagement without a wedding. You have bent yourself in every possible direction trying to make this easier for him.
And he has stayed in the same place.
This is not a communication problem. It is not a timing problem. It is a values problem.
And stop telling yourself, “If he loved me enough, he’d do it.” That’s not the truth. He can love you and still not want the life you want. Both things can be true at the same time.
So here is your real question: Are you willing to build a life with a man who may never marry you?
Not probably. Not eventually. May never.
If the answer is yes, then own that choice fully and stop reopening this wound every few months.
If the answer is no, then you need to have the courage to walk away from someone you love because your lives do not align.
That is brutal. But that is adulthood.
You are afraid of losing him. Fair. But you are already losing yourself. Every time you downplay what you want. Every time you tell yourself this should be enough. Every time you wait for him to become someone he has not chosen to become.
That resentment you feel? It will not shrink. It will grow. And eventually it will rot the very relationship you are trying to save.
You do not need better wording. You do not need more patience. You do not need another year.
You need to decide what kind of life you are willing to live.
And then live it.