I’m struggling with what to do about a longtime friend.
We’ve known each other since we were kids, and he used to be one of the closest people in my life. But over time, things have changed. I’ve grown up, gotten married, and built a more stable life, while he hasn’t really moved forward. He still lives at home, drinks heavily, uses drugs, and seems stuck in the same cycle.
We drifted apart for about eight months, partly because I chose to create distance. Every time we talked, I felt drained. The conversations lacked depth and often revolved around his habits. It felt like I was putting in energy without getting anything meaningful back.
Recently, he reached out and asked to talk. I agreed, partly out of guilt. When he called, it was late morning, and he was clearly still drunk from the night before. We only spoke briefly because I didn’t want to engage with him in that state.
What stood out was that he didn’t acknowledge the distance between us. Instead, he talked about finishing projects, as if trying to prove he was doing well. It felt disconnected from reality and highlighted how out of sync we are.
When I try to create space, he sends memes or “best friend” videos like nothing has changed. It feels like he’s trying to maintain the connection without addressing the real issues.
Now I feel stuck. I know this friendship isn’t good for me anymore, and I feel drained and disconnected. But I also feel guilty. He’s clearly struggling, and I wonder if stepping away means I’m abandoning him or if I should be doing more.
You already know the answer. You’re just hoping there’s a version of it that doesn’t hurt.
This friendship is not healthy for you anymore. It’s not mutual, it’s not grounded in reality, and it’s not moving forward. You feel drained because you’re trying to have an adult relationship with someone who is still living like a teenager.
You are not responsible for fixing his life.
He is struggling, yes. But struggling does not give someone unlimited access to your time, energy, and emotional bandwidth. And it definitely doesn’t mean you have to sit on the phone with someone who is drunk at 10 in the morning just to prove you’re a “good friend.”
What he’s doing right now is avoiding reality. The memes, the surface talk, the “I’m doing great” updates while clearly not doing great. That’s not connection. That’s denial.
You can care about him and still step away.
Staying in a relationship out of guilt is not love. It’s obligation. And over time, that turns into resentment.
If you stay, you won’t save him. You’ll just slowly wear yourself down.
If you leave or create real distance, you might give him the only thing that could wake him up, which is the natural consequence of his choices. Or he might not change at all. That part is not yours to control.
Tell him the truth, kindly and clearly. “I care about you, but I can’t keep showing up for this version of our friendship. I need space.”
Then hold that boundary.
The guilt you feel is not a signal that you’re doing something wrong. It’s a signal that you’re doing something different.