My husband and I have been married for over nine years, and we have never had penetrative sex. He says the idea makes him uncomfortable.
We got married young in a Christian environment where sex before marriage was not allowed. He went straight from living with his parents to living with me. On our wedding night, he said there was too much pressure to have sex, and I understood. But even during our honeymoon, whenever I asked him to use a condom, he would immediately lose arousal and shut down.
That pattern kept happening. I would try to initiate, he would get uncomfortable, and eventually our physical intimacy faded to almost nothing. It has now been over a year since we have had any sexual contact at all.
I have tried to talk to him about it, but he gets hurt and shuts down. He goes to therapy but refuses to bring this issue up. I have asked if he might be asexual or not attracted to women, and he says no. I have suggested seeing a doctor or a couples therapist, but he avoids it.
Meanwhile, I feel undesired. I am missing a part of intimacy that I want in my life, and I do not know if I can live like this forever. It feels more like a platonic partnership than a marriage.
You don’t have a sex problem. You have an honesty and avoidance problem in your marriage.
Nine years is not “we’re working through it.” Nine years is a full pattern of him refusing to engage with a core part of marriage and refusing to even talk about it. That matters.
Your husband is avoiding something. It could be shame from how he was raised. It could be anxiety. It could be sexual dysfunction. It could be orientation. It could be trauma. But right now, none of that actually matters as much as this: he is choosing not to face it.
And that choice is costing you your connection, your intimacy, and honestly, your dignity in this relationship.
You have been more than patient. You have been understanding. You have brought it up gently. You have offered solutions. And every single time, he shuts down and opts out.
That is not partnership.
You are now at a point where you need to stop negotiating with avoidance and start setting a boundary.
Not a threat. Not an ultimatum thrown in anger. A clear, calm boundary.
Something like this, said plainly: “I love you, but I cannot stay in a marriage where we do not have physical intimacy and where we cannot even talk about it. This has to be addressed with a professional, together, or I will have to rethink staying in this marriage.”
Then you hold that line.
Because right now, he has learned that if he shuts down, the conversation ends and nothing changes. That system is working perfectly for him and slowly breaking you.
You are not wrong for wanting sex. You are not shallow. You are not asking for too much. You are asking for a normal, healthy part of marriage.
But you cannot carry both your needs and his refusal forever.
At some point, love requires truth. And truth here is this: if he continues to refuse to face this, then you are not in a marriage with intimacy. You are in a long term roommate situation with emotional attachment.
And you get to decide if that is a life you are willing to live.