My husband and I (40f) have been together since high school. Everything was great, but around year 8 I cheated. I got really drunk one night with coworkers and cheated. I felt horrible about it and lost a lot of weight from the guilt while hiding it. A couple months later he found out. He chose to forgive me and we worked through it.
We got married and I truly believed I would never put myself in that position again. But this year he found out I was having an affair. There was a lot going on in my personal family life, and instead of coping properly I looked for validation outside my marriage. I regret it deeply.
He forgave me again, but this time with strict conditions. I followed most of them except fully cutting off the affair partner. I know that makes no sense, but I kept talking to him almost daily and saw him a few times, even though nothing physical happened during those meetups.
Two weeks ago I started going no contact. He had started dating someone else. Then he reached out again, we talked briefly, and then he blocked me. During this time I was already overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I went to my mom’s house saying I needed space to think about my marriage. My husband gave me that space, but I didn’t use it the right way.
Eventually I was starting to shift my focus back to my husband. We even went on an overnight trip and had an amazing time. I felt clarity again and realized this is what I really want. I told him that.
But then we went to a concert, I got really drunk, said things I shouldn’t have, and passed out. He couldn’t get into my phone, so he checked my laptop and found messages with the affair partner.
Now he says he wants a divorce. He feels completely betrayed because the one thing he asked for was no contact, and I didn’t follow through.
I know I messed up badly. I’m taking accountability and I want another chance. I’m already in therapy and going to AA. I’ve blocked the affair partner and I’m looking for a new job.
I know I don’t deserve another chance, but I truly believe he is who I want. It took me losing everything to realize it.
What else can I do to prove to him that I’m serious and want to fix this?
You are still treating this like something you can talk your way out of, and that is the problem.
Your husband is not confused. He is responding to a pattern where you repeatedly chose attention, comfort, and validation over him and over your own word. You did not just make one bad decision. You kept making the same decision even after being forgiven and given clear conditions.
You say you don’t know why you did it, but you do. You liked how it felt. You did not want to let go. You wanted both the security of your husband and the validation from someone else. That is the truth you have to face.
Right now, your words do not mean anything to him. That is not unfair. That is the result of you breaking trust multiple times, including after he gave you another chance.
You also cannot ignore the role alcohol is playing here. It shows up every time things go off the rails. At this point, it is not a side issue. It is directly tied to your worst decisions. If you are serious, it has to be completely out of your life.
You are also still focused on getting him back instead of becoming someone safe to be with. Those are not the same thing. Wanting him now that you are losing him is not the same as being someone who can actually protect a relationship.
You are not owed another chance. He has already given you more grace than most people ever would. You broke that too.
There is nothing you can say right now that will fix this. No apology, no explanation, no emotional conversation is going to suddenly make him trust you again.
The only thing that even has a chance is long term consistency, and you have not shown that yet.
So stop trying to convince him. Leave him alone. Respect his decision, even if it ends the marriage.
Focus on your side. Stay in therapy and actually dig into why you keep needing outside validation. Stay in AA and treat sobriety like it matters, because it clearly does. Keep no contact permanently. Not “for now.” Not “until things calm down.” Forever.
You need to become someone who does not do this again, whether he comes back or not.
Because if the only reason you change is to keep him, you will end up right back here the next time life gets hard.
Right now, this is not about proving anything.
It is about finally facing who you have been and deciding if you are willing to actually change that for real.