I’ve been with my husband since junior high, almost 20 years, and we have kids together.
I had a rough childhood and very low self-esteem. When I was younger, that came out as controlling behavior and anger. I don’t even know why he stayed with me back then.
As I got older, I changed a lot, but he never really showed me much romantic attention. I started looking for validation elsewhere. Before we got married, I had a sexual situation with a coworker and told my husband. He stayed, we got married, and I got pregnant.
Over the years, I kept seeking attention from other men online. I even met up with that same coworker again and had another sexual encounter. It wasn’t just physical, it was emotional too. I never told my husband.
About a year ago, I started therapy and was diagnosed with complex PTSD. I did a lot of deep work, and something shifted in me. I finally felt calm. I stopped seeking attention from other men completely and genuinely only wanted my husband.
I started trying to improve our marriage, communicate better, and focus on us. Things were slowly getting better.
Then two days ago, he found out about the past affair. He’s handling it better than I expected, but I can tell he sees me differently now. He doesn’t trust that I’ve really changed and thinks this is a pattern that will continue.
I hate what I’ve done. I regret it deeply. I wish I could take it back.
What can I actually do now to show him I’ve changed? How do I move forward?
You don’t fix this with gestures. You fix this with time and consistency.
Right now, you’re asking, “What can I do to prove I’ve changed?” But from his seat, he’s heard words before. He’s seen tears before. And the pattern kept going. So your words don’t carry weight anymore. That’s just reality.
You broke trust more than once. Not just physically, but emotionally and repeatedly. So he’s not reacting to one mistake. He’s reacting to a history.
You don’t get to control how long this takes or even if he fully trusts you again.
What you can control is this:
You become radically honest. No more secrets, ever. Not even small ones.
You become completely transparent. Phone, accounts, whereabouts. Not because you’re a child, but because trust is rebuilt with visibility.
You stop trying to rush his healing. If he’s distant, guarded, or unsure, that’s the cost of what happened. Let him feel it without trying to talk him out of it.
You stay consistent. Not for a week. Not for a few months. For years if that’s what it takes.
Make peace with the fact that he may never see you the exact same way again.
That doesn’t mean the marriage is over. It means it becomes something new, rebuilt instead of assumed.
Also, don’t turn this into self-hatred. “I hate myself” doesn’t help him heal. It actually puts pressure on him to comfort you, which is backwards right now.
If you’ve truly changed, then live like it quietly. Show up. Be steady. Be honest. Be consistent.
No chaos. No drama. No hidden corners.
That’s how trust comes back. Slow, quiet, and earned.
If he’s willing, get into counseling together. Not to convince him you’ve changed, but to rebuild something real.
You don’t win him back with intensity. You win him back with peace he can rely on.