I’ve been with my boyfriend for over five years. We have a two year old together and have lived together the entire time. On the surface, everything is stable. We share a car, rent a house, and split utilities. Our life works.
The problem is that he won’t marry me.
We talk about the future a lot, and it’s clear he plans to stay with me, but marriage never seems to be part of that plan. Whenever I bring it up, he gets defensive or brushes it off. Sometimes he says things like “why don’t you just ask me” or that marriage is just a piece of paper. But to me, it means a lot more than that.
I know women can propose, but that’s not what I want, and he knows that. At the same time, I don’t want to force him into something he doesn’t want. I feel like it has to be his choice.
I don’t know what to do anymore. How long am I supposed to wait? I don’t want to live like this forever. I want the same last name as my daughter. I’m tired of just being “the girlfriend.” After this long, it feels like such a small title.
When my friends get engaged, I feel sad and even a little resentful, especially when they haven’t been together as long as we have. It makes me question whether he really loves me or if I’m just not good enough to be a wife. Sometimes I wonder if he just feels stuck because we have a child.
If someone says they love you but has no interest in marrying you, why are they with you? I feel like I’m missing something.
He doesn’t want to get married.
Not “he hasn’t gotten around to it.” Not “he’s unsure.” Not “he’ll do it eventually.” For five years, with a child, a shared home, and a full life together, he has consistently chosen not to marry you. And when asked directly, he deflects, jokes, or shuts down instead of giving you an honest answer.
That is your answer.
Right now, you’re living in a fully committed life without the commitment you actually want. He’s getting everything he needs without having to step into something he clearly doesn’t value the same way you do.
This is the hard truth: you’re hoping he’ll become someone different without requiring anything to change.
Wanting marriage is not trivial. Wanting the same last name as your child is not shallow. Wanting to be chosen in a clear, public, permanent way matters to you. That is real.
But he has shown you, over and over, that it doesn’t matter to him in the same way.
So now you have a decision to make. Are you willing to stay in a relationship that may never include marriage?
If yes, then you need to grieve that and stop hoping it will change. If no, then you need to say that clearly and be prepared to follow through.
“I want to be married. If that’s not something you want with me, I need to rethink this relationship.”
That is not forcing him. That is respecting yourself.
This is not about you not being good enough. This is about alignment. He does not share your value on this.
Love without alignment will keep hurting you.
You don’t need more time. You need a decision.