I have a 17 year old daughter who wants to go out alone with her friend. They are both 17. I would be dropping my daughter off and her friend’s mom would also be dropping her daughter off, and we would both pick them up afterward. They want to do something simple like go to the mall, bowling, or go running.
My daughter has never really given me a reason not to trust her. She works, is responsible, and even offered to keep me updated throughout the day. The problem is that whenever she hangs out with friends or goes to sleepovers, I usually tell her she needs to include her older sister or the whole family. I’ve told her before that if she has a problem including her sisters when hanging out, then maybe she’s not really for her family.
She says that because she works and interacts with all kinds of people every day, she needs the chance to learn and experience things independently. She feels like she’s never really been allowed to go out on her own because I always expect her sister or family to be involved. Now she says she doesn’t even want to ask anymore because she already knows the answer will be no unless someone else comes.
Her 23 year old sister agrees with her and says she felt the same way growing up and still does.
Am I wrong for feeling this way, or am I being too overprotective?
You are not wrong for loving your daughter deeply and wanting to protect her. That instinct comes with being a parent. But yes, based on what you wrote, you are crossing into overprotective territory.
Your daughter is 17, not 12. She has a job, she’s responsible, she communicates with you, and by your own words she has never given you a reason not to trust her. At some point, good parenting means slowly handing over freedom while still staying connected and involved.
Right now, what your daughter is hearing is not “I love you.” What she is hearing is “I don’t trust you to function without family supervision.” Those are two very different messages.
And telling her that not wanting siblings attached to every outing means she’s “not for her family” is going to damage your relationship if it keeps happening. Wanting independence is normal. Wanting time with friends without a chaperone sibling is normal. It does not mean she loves her family less.
Your older daughter confirming she felt the same way should probably get your attention too. That tells you this is not a one time teenage complaint. It is a family pattern.
The hard truth is this: if you do not start loosening the grip now, your daughter will eventually create distance in adulthood just to feel like she can breathe. That happens all the time in families where control gets confused with closeness.
Healthy families are not built by forcing everyone to stay attached at all times. Healthy families are built when people feel trusted, respected, and safe enough to come back willingly.
A 17 year old going bowling or to the mall with a friend while both parents handle transportation is a very reasonable level of independence. Honestly, it sounds safer and more structured than what most teenagers her age are already doing.
You do not have to stop being a protective parent. But your job now is to prepare her for adulthood, not prevent her from practicing it.