The backstory is that my husband struggled with a porn addiction before we got married and had stopped for a while. About three years into our relationship, he relapsed and I caught him. That was when I learned he had been hiding it from me for about a year. It completely broke my trust, and we’ve been trying to recover ever since.
We’ve been married for five years. One of the biggest issues is that his porn use seems to have affected our sex life. He struggles with ED, and from what we’ve learned, porn addiction can contribute to that. He rarely initiates sex unless I’ve repeatedly brought up the issue, and we usually have sex only once or twice a month.
I feel sexually unfulfilled and rejected. I have a much higher sex drive and would happily have sex three or four times a week. When I try to initiate, there are times he gently tells me he’s not in the mood. The sex we do have feels routine, and it feels difficult to explore or build more passion because of the ongoing ED issues.
The hardest part is that we connect emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. He’s my best friend. But the passion and desire feel missing. Sometimes it feels like we’re roommates who occasionally have sex.
I’ve finally admitted to myself that we may be sexually incompatible. I recently told him how unhappy I’ve been and how disconnected I feel. We’ve decided to start couples therapy and sex therapy.
Now I’m stuck wondering whether I want to keep fighting for this marriage or whether divorce is the right answer. I never imagined I’d be considering divorce, but lately it’s all I think about.
You are not just grieving a lack of sex. You are grieving a marriage that is not matching the marriage you thought you were signing up for.
The porn relapse hurt because of the porn, but also because of the secrecy. For a year, you were living in a different reality than the one your husband was living in. That kind of betrayal changes how safe a relationship feels.
You clearly love and respect your husband, which is what makes this so painful. The question is not whether your feelings are valid. They are. The question is whether he is willing and able to do the work required to rebuild intimacy and trust.
If he is actively engaged in recovery, participating in therapy, being transparent, taking responsibility, and addressing the sexual issues directly, then the marriage may still be in a season of healing rather than a permanent state.
Do not minimize your own needs. Wanting passion, desire, and a healthy sexual relationship is not selfish. Emotional connection matters, but it does not automatically replace physical intimacy if that is important to you.
Rather than deciding today whether to stay forever or leave forever, ask whether his actions over the next six to twelve months show genuine commitment to rebuilding the marriage. His behavior will give you more clarity than your fears will.
Give therapy a real opportunity. If you see ownership, honesty, consistency, and meaningful change, you will have something to work with. If you see avoidance and the same patterns repeating, that information matters too.