My oldest brother is in his 50s and hasn’t worked consistently in close to 20 years. He lives alone, rent free, in my mom’s second home, which she used to rent out for extra income.
He pays for nothing. My mom covers the mortgage, utilities, his phone bill, his cars, his food, and basically every other necessity.
After my dad died a few years ago, my brother convinced my mom to buy him a new car so he could DoorDash. He already had a paid off car that she had just spent $5,000 fixing for him.
DoorDash lasted a few months, with him working maybe three times a week, before he stopped altogether. She is still paying the car payment and insurance on both vehicles.
Meanwhile, my mom works full time and has all of her own bills to pay. On top of depending on her for everything, my brother is incredibly disrespectful toward her.
I love my brother, but it has gotten to the point where it is hard for me to be around either of them. Watching my mom allow him to drain her financially and mentally is incredibly frustrating.
How do I make her stop enabling him, or at least make him start helping her in some way? Any help is appreciated.
You can’t make your mom stop. That’s the hardest part of this.
Your brother has no reason to change because your mom has made sure he doesn’t have to. He has a free house, cars, food, a phone, and no real responsibilities. Every time life asks something of him, she steps in and handles it.
But this isn’t just about your brother. Your mom is choosing to keep this arrangement going. You can tell her you’re worried, but you cannot force her to change it.
Talk to her privately and make the conversation about her future, not about how terrible your brother is. Ask her: Can you actually afford this? What happens when you retire or can’t work anymore? And what happens to him when you’re gone?
Then make your own boundary very clear. You love your brother, but you will not take over financially supporting him someday. You are not the backup plan.
If your mom wants things to change, she has to start requiring something from him. He can pay his own phone bill, food, car expenses, or contribute toward the house. It doesn’t have to happen overnight, but there need to be expectations, deadlines, and consequences.
And she has to be willing to let him be angry about it.
You cannot set boundaries for your mom. You can only set your own. Tell her what you see, tell her what you’re worried about, and tell her what you will and will not be responsible for.
Then let her make her choice.