My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years. For about the last year, I’ve been talking about wanting to move. He has always been apprehensive about it, but I’ve tried to keep the conversation open so we could figure out what our future might look like together.
Last month, he signed another one year contract at his current job. I found out after the fact. That really hurt because he knew I wanted to move, and it felt like he made a major decision that affects our future without even talking to me about it.
We also had a conversation around our four year anniversary about commitment. I told him I didn’t see myself staying in a relationship for five years without an engagement. I wasn’t trying to give him an ultimatum or demand a proposal. I was trying to be honest about what I wanted for my life.
Months went by and nothing happened. Eventually, I suggested that we go ring shopping. He agreed, and I told him I wanted him to plan it. More months went by until I eventually gave up asking.
We had another conversation last night. He apologized profusely for signing the contract without talking to me first, but then he told me very clearly that he is nowhere near ready to propose and doesn’t see himself being ready anytime in the near future.
He also told me that earlier in our relationship, he felt like I pushed him into things before he was ready, including asking me to be his girlfriend and saying “I love you.”
Now I’m questioning the whole ring shopping situation. Why did he agree to go and let me believe we were moving toward marriage if he knew he wasn’t even close to wanting to propose?
What also bothered me about our conversation was how much of it focused on him and all the things he believes he needs to work on before he can be ready. There wasn’t much discussion about us, our future together, whether he actually sees himself marrying me, or what he thinks our future is supposed to look like.
I think I’ve already made my decision, but I’m looking for some outside perspective. Am I being unreasonable for feeling like this relationship has run its course? Have you ever realized you were waiting for a future that the other person wasn’t actually moving toward?
I think you already have your answer.
And no, the problem isn’t simply that you’ve been together for five years and there’s no ring.
The problem is that after five years, you’re still trying to get this man to participate in building a future with you.
You told him you wanted to move. He signed another year long contract without discussing it with you.
You told him marriage was important to you. Nothing happened.
You suggested ring shopping. He went along with it, but then did nothing.
And now, when you finally have the direct conversation, he tells you he isn’t remotely close to being ready for marriage.
Believe him.
Don’t argue with that. Don’t try to find the perfect words that will suddenly make him understand. He understands. He just doesn’t want the same thing on the same timeline.
The ring shopping bothers you because you thought it represented a decision. For you, it meant, “We’re moving toward marriage.” For him, it sounds like it may have been another way of avoiding conflict and going along with something he wasn’t actually ready for.
His comment about feeling pushed earlier in the relationship matters too. He’s telling you that this pattern has existed for years. You move the relationship forward. He reluctantly follows. Eventually you notice he isn’t moving anymore, so you push for the next conversation. He follows again.
That sounds exhausting for both of you.
You shouldn’t have to drag someone toward a life with you, and he shouldn’t feel like he has to keep agreeing to milestones he doesn’t actually want yet just to keep the relationship going.
He gets to say he isn’t ready. And you get to leave.
You don’t need to make him the bad guy in order to end this relationship. Maybe he loves you deeply. Maybe he genuinely has things he needs to work through. Maybe someday he will be ready for marriage.
But you do not have to sit beside him indefinitely waiting for someday.
You’re not deciding whether five years was a waste.
You’re deciding whether you want year six to look like years four and five.
If you already know the answer, trust it.