I’m a 24 year old guy, and I hate my job aside from my coworkers. I’ve been there about seven months. A couple months ago, a new woman started on our shift. I’ll call her Ashley. She’s 28, beautiful, funny, sassy, and pretty much everyone likes her.
We work third shift in different areas, so we mostly started talking during breaks. A couple coworkers and I invited her to Waffle House after work, and she started coming with us. Eventually we exchanged socials and started talking constantly.
I developed feelings for her and asked if she would be interested in talking romantically once she got her living situation figured out. She told me she wasn’t looking for anything right now. It hurt, but I tried to respect it.
We still get coffee after work sometimes, although I get upset when she declines. Our days off don’t line up, and on her days off she basically disappears and doesn’t open my messages.
A few nights ago, we were walking into work together when I noticed a big hickey on her neck. Once I realized what it was, I said, “Looks like you are looking for something after all.”
She immediately got mad and told me it was her business, not mine, then walked away.
I was angry because it felt like she had lied to me. Since then, I’ve backed off from talking to her, but she doesn’t seem bothered by it. I’ve asked whether the person she’s seeing is serious or casual, but she won’t tell me.
For what it’s worth, I’ve been upfront with her about my own situation. I’m currently trying to get my baby mama to move out while figuring out custody of our son. Ashley told me I should focus on that instead of worrying about what she’s doing or who she’s doing it with.
She has also told me her ex was borderline abusive and that she wants to focus on herself rather than get into another relationship. I understand that, but part of me is still jealous because I know I would treat her better.
Am I the asshole for being jealous that she’s sleeping with someone else?
You’re allowed to feel jealous. The problem is what you’ve decided that jealousy entitles you to.
Ashley did not lie to you.
She told you she wasn’t looking for a relationship. She did not promise you celibacy. She did not agree to report her sex life to you. She did not tell you that if she ever slept with somebody, you would get first dibs.
“I’m not looking for anything right now” can also be a gentle way of saying, “I’m not interested in pursuing this with you.” That hurts. But you need to hear it.
And buddy, she has been telling you.
She disappears on her days off. She sometimes declines coffee. She rejected the romantic invitation. She won’t discuss the person she’s sleeping with. When you commented on the hickey, she told you her private life was none of your business. Now she is explicitly telling you to focus on your own situation instead of hers.
How many more ways does this woman need to say no before you accept the no?
The hickey comment was out of line. Asking whether the other guy is serious or casual is also out of line. She does not owe you that information.
And the fact that she doesn’t seem bothered that you’ve backed away should tell you something important. You may have experienced this relationship as much more emotionally significant than she did.
Now we need to talk about the giant flashing light you buried near the end of your letter.
You have a child. You are trying to get your child’s mother out of your home. You are working through custody. Your home life is unresolved, and instead of putting your energy into creating stability for your son and yourself, you are monitoring whether a coworker answers your messages on her day off and getting angry about who is leaving marks on her neck.
Ashley is right. Focus on your life.
And drop the “I would treat her better” stuff.
You don’t know that. You know how you imagine you would treat her in a relationship that exists entirely in your head. Right now, in the relationship you actually have with her, she set a boundary and you challenged it because you were hurt.
That is the part you need to own.
Stop trying to decode her behavior. Stop asking about the other guy. Stop waiting around hoping she changes her mind. Be polite and professional at work. If friendship with her keeps feeding your hope that this will become something else, create some distance.
Then go home and deal with your actual life.
You need to start choosing the responsibilities and the life that are already yours.