“Am I selfish for wanting to use my friend’s late baby’s Name?”

I’m in my mid 30s and about to become a parent for the first time. I’ve had a name picked out for my first child since high school, whether I ended up having a boy or a girl.

Two years ago, a pregnant friend and I were talking about baby names. I told her the name I had always planned to use and how much it meant to me.

When she had her baby, she ended up using that exact name. I was upset, but then something heartbreaking happened. Her baby passed away.

Now my partner and I are expecting our first child, and we cannot agree on a boy’s name. Every time one of us likes something, the other isn’t sold. Except for one name. The name I originally picked all those years ago.

We both love it, but given what happened to my friend’s baby, I feel conflicted.

Would it be wrong or insensitive to use that name? Is it permanently off limits because of what happened?

No, the name isn’t off limits. But you need to understand that being allowed to do something and doing it without hurting someone are two very different things.

You picked this name years before your friend ever had a child. It meant something to you long before she used it. And you are not wrong for still loving it.

But your friend buried a child.

That changes the conversation.

For you, this name represents a dream you’ve carried since high school. For her, it represents a little person she loved, held, and lost. Neither of those feelings cancels out the other, but they aren’t carrying the same weight.

And I would encourage you to stop thinking about this as your friend stealing a name. Whatever happened two years ago, she didn’t steal your future. And turning this into a question of who had the name first isn’t going to help anybody.

Here’s what I would do.

If this is someone you still consider a close friend, have the conversation before your baby arrives. Not to ask for permission, because she doesn’t own the name. But because you care about her.

Tell her you’ve loved this name for years, that it’s the only one you and your partner have connected with, and that you recognize how painful hearing it might be for her. Give her room to feel whatever she feels.

And understand something important. She might be hurt. She might be angry. She might need distance from you for a while. You don’t get to control that reaction, and you shouldn’t try.

You also need to ask yourself whether you’re prepared to live with that possibility.

Because your child deserves a name chosen out of love, not guilt. And your friend deserves to have her grief treated with respect, not brushed aside because you technically had the idea first.

If you and your partner truly love this name, you can use it.

Just don’t pretend that your choice exists in a vacuum.

You don’t need permission to name your child. But you do need compassion for someone whose child never got the chance to grow up with that name.