I have been married for 15 years. I have known my wife since I was 8. We have 3 daughters together. 17, 14, and 11.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m an outsider in my relationships with all of them. I’m just an ATM and taxi service to my kids. My wife hasn’t kissed me in 6 months. She has not said that she loves me in 1.5 years. No matter how much I communicate, try to plan anything or do anything it is always shot down, forgotten, or dismissed. I don’t get angry in don’t yell. I don’t get physical.
I like to splurge during birthdays and mothers Day. I throw parties and give gifts and try to show how much I love them. I get a lukewarm, thanks, and if I’m lucky, a side hug that lasts .0001 seconds.
This week was the breaking point. Father’s Day. I wake up to an empty house. Odd. No note, nothing was written on the calendar, and nothing said beforehand. I send a text, and I get back. “I took the girls out for a spa day, don’t wait up.” Then nothing, literally nothing. Dinner time comes around, and they get home. How their say was (it was fine). I ask what they would like for dinner. “Nothing we already ate at [one of my favorite restaurants].” Cool, whatever. There is no mention of it being fathers Day. No, I love you, how are you. Nothing.
Fast forward to Wednesday. Which was my birthday. Nothing. Literally again, nothing. I suggested plans. They get shot down. I suggested food. Nope, shot down. Ask about watching a movie they are all too busy (they just sat on their phones doing nothing).
Now to Thursday night. I’m in bed. My wife is next to me. She rolls over and says in a crappy tone. “Oh, your birthday was the other day. I guess you expect to have sex.” That broke something in me(best of my memory of how it went down)
I said “no I don’t expect sex. At this point, I don’t expect anything anymore.”
Her “what is that supposed to mean?”
So I started asking her questions
When was the last time we shared a kiss? (Like a week? Nope, it was in December, and it was during her parents’ holiday party)
When was the last time we had sex? (The beginning of the year? Nope, wrong it has been over a year. She was adamant that we did it in February. I was dealing with my moms health and her passing. So I said something like, “You may have had sex but it wasn’t with me.”)
When was the last time you said you love me? (“I say it all the time.” Not to me, check your messages/you don’t say it to me face to face. “Well, you should just know I do.”)
When was the last time we went on a date? (LONG pause)
Her: You’re being unfair.
Emotions turned on fully. I was crying and raising my voice at this point.
It asks her how? She can’t answer. I asked her how wanting any sign of love from anyone in the house is unfair. If expecting anything for my birthday or Father’s Day was unfair. (She got an oh shit look) Yeah, you forgot that as well. I’m not an ATM, I’m not a taxi service, I’m not a punching bag.
She asked why this was coming up “out of the blue.” It didn’t. I have tried to talk to my family and again get dismissed or ignored. I brought up examples. I got an “I didn’t know you were serious.” “I didn’t know it was such a big deal.”
I left saying something to the point of “If you want to pretend that I’m invisible and don’t exist fine, you don’t have to pretend anymore.”
I left the house at almost midnight. On Thursday/ Friday morning. Haven’t been home since. I’m not sure what to do now. I’m finally sober enough to think, but I don’t know what to do(first time drinking in over 15 years BTW, and i’m not going to drink anymore)
I love my family. But I can’t keep this up. I don’t know what more I can do. I think they would be happier without me. They already act like I don’t exist. I can’t be the one who is blamed for everything. If I truly am the problem then me not being there should fix it. I can’t do it anymore.
I have tried to be a good provider, a good partner, and a good dad. Never missed an event of our kids. Never prioritize work. I kept good hours so I could see them more. Took on more responsibility to better our life and future. But, it is never appreciated. It is never enough. I am never enough.
I only have one message from my wife “I’m sorry for making you feel that way. We all love you, and we are here for you when you want to come home and talk.” That is it. No other messages. No calls. Nothing from the kids. I feel like if they really wanted me there, they would try reaching out more. All of the kids have their own phone. I don’t know what she told them. I’m sure they heard me raise my voice. Me raising my voice would have definitely got their attention since i never do. I’m sure they heard me leave. I just don’t know.