I, HLM (high libido male) recently had severe depression which was not noticed by my wife. A few months later, and after some changes, I feel a lot better. I made the decision that my marriage was over completely and asked to begin formally separating.
My LLF (low libido female) 34 wife and I had been together 17 years, married for 8, two kids, 3 and 5. We have had a completely dead bedroom for 6 years other than 12 times (yes precisely), to get her pregnant with our second kid.
I had been really struggling with the lack of sex and intimacy for a long time, but given the kids’ arrival and all of the shit that happens around childbirth and pregnancy, I held back from making big decisions for far longer than I was comfortable.
But after several further years of zero sex and intimacy, and most critically, years of constant rejection, and feeling totally alone, the dead bedroom formed part of my decision to leave.
As soon as I formalised our separation my wife started to overly want to have sex again. Flirting, walking around semi-naked, lying next to me in what is now my bed, and touching my body.
Last night I spoke with her about it, and after months of her not opening up, or just blaming me for it (I didn’t try hard enough, I didn’t find her attractive any more, I put too much pressure on, I asked the wrong way, at the wrong time), she began to open up more about how she felt. And it was… Incomprehensible to me.
She gave 2 reasons why we didn’t have sex.
First: she says that she got off, sexually, on the idea of me being frustrated by not having sex with her. That seeing me want it and not getting anything, turned her on. To be explicit, I don’t mean edging, it’s more like chastity? She admitted masturbating to this idea, but refused to say how long she had done this. I am deeply deeply upset. This has come up before, years ago, and I have told her it’s not my thing. The feeling rejection is horrible. And given I have been faithful in a mongamous relationship for this? It feel cruel.
Second: we share a consensual non-consent kink, and practiced various role play and scenarios when we were younger. We both enjoyed it, and set it up very carefully with safe words and actions etc. She told me last night that she had rejected me to see if she could push me to “Take it anyway”. She says now that many times when she rejected me, she wanted me to take the decision out of her hands. I am disgusted by this. Utterly and completely. I never ever ever want that. Would never contemplate doing that without an explicit plan. I asked her about this why she didn’t speak up and tell me. She fucking shrugged.
I am fucking broken. I can’t even begin to express how… Much I hate both of these things. It’s just. I can’t even find the words. I didn’t have much trust in her before, but the idea that this has been happening for some time (months, years? She refused to say) is overwhelming.
Physically leaving is impossible without abandoning my kids. And she has threatened me about that before. She’s also hinted about other problematic custody stuff.
I don’t know what I want from this post. I genuinely don’t know what to think of do. It’s clear