I started dating this guy that I met online three months ago, and we’ve been out on a few dates. The first date went really well. Then the problems started up a day after the first date. In fact he asked twice not to block him before the date could end. He then apologised for saying he liked me so many times during the date and calling me beautiful etc.
The day after the date he started getting more clingy than usual and said that he really needs my attention. He went as far as saying that he’s already obsessed and craves my attention, which I took as a joke because it was so soon, but he looked serious and said that he sees a lot of potential with us. I thought that was kinda quick but we have been chatting online for a while and got close on an emotional level so idk if that’s normal or not. I do like him but it’s a bit much sometimes especially since I haven’t dated in 4 years and forgotten what is was like to be in a relationship.
He tends to get really upset and jump to the most obscene conclusions if I take a few hours to respond to a text and seems to think that I don’t really like him or care. I constantly have to give him reassurance and do whatever it takes to meet his emotional needs. I literally have to keep checking my phone every 5 minutes no matter what I’m doing in case he messages me, and this brings me a lot of anxiety.
I used to play a lot of video games to fill my time before meeting him, and he knew that. He now has a problem with me playing games and doesn’t want me communicating with other guys even though it’s completely innocent. He said that I can check his phone and that he’ll even change his number if I have any doubts about him, provided I do the same. I’m so open about stuff with him and tell him everything but he doesn’t seem to trust me at all. He did say he has trust issues which I’m being considerate of and trying to prove myself as trustworthy to him. I have given up video games to keep him happy since he makes me feel bad about it. I broke off all friendships that I had with guys and stopped going out with friends. If I do go out alone, he tells me not to look at other guys and gets a little paranoid and ends up calling me multiple times.
I’m doing my best to make him happy, but nothing that I do seems to be enough. I didn’t feel mentally well yesterday and told him that I needed some time for myself, which was only for a day. I don’t think it was asking for too much?
In response, he said that he doesn’t want time apart but reluctantly agreed. Ever since then, he’s being cold and different. He didn’t send me the usual morning message and took hours to reply when I sent one.
As the day is progressing he seems to be slowly going back to the way he used to be which is a relief. He did say that I made him upset by needing time for myself and made him feel like he was the problem.
What do I do here? I don’t know if I’m the problem and overthinking it. How can I make this thing work without losing myself in this relationship.
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Premature Attachment and Declarations of Intense Feelings: Expressing obsession and craving attention just after the first date can indicate an unhealthy attachment style. While it’s normal to feel excited about a new relationship, needing constant reassurance and declaring strong feelings prematurely can be a sign of emotional dependency.
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Requesting Not to Be Blocked: Asking twice not to be blocked before the first date even ends suggests insecurity and possibly manipulative behavior, aiming to create a sense of guilt or obligation.
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Clinginess and Need for Constant Reassurance: The need for constant contact and reassurance, to the point of getting upset over delayed responses, is indicative of possessive or controlling behavior. A healthy relationship allows for space and trust.
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Isolation from Friends and Hobbies: Demanding that you give up video games, break off friendships, especially with the opposite sex, and control over whom you can communicate with, are classic signs of controlling behavior, which can lead to isolation—a tactic often used in abusive relationships.
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Jealousy and Paranoia: Exhibiting extreme jealousy, unwarranted distrust, and paranoia about your interactions with others, even when you’ve given no reason for distrust, shows a lack of confidence in the relationship and in you.
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Retaliation and Cold Behavior for Setting Boundaries: Reacting negatively to your need for personal time and then being cold as a form of punishment for asserting your need for space is manipulative. It’s a way to make you feel guilty for having normal needs.
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Lack of Respect for Your Autonomy: The overall pattern of demanding constant attention, restricting your freedom, and requiring you to prove your trustworthiness, despite your open and honest communication, shows a lack of respect for your autonomy and individuality.
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Impact on Mental Health: The anxiety and mental strain you’re experiencing, feeling like you have to constantly check your phone, and the changes in your behavior to placate him, are significant concerns. Your well-being should not be compromised for the sake of the relationship.