We’ve all been there – you’re hanging out with a close friend, discussing your different perspectives on something, and suddenly it devolves into an argument.
Maybe voices get raised, feathers get ruffled. At some point, it can start to feel like you’re fighting to “win” the argument instead of understand each other.
However, seeing disagreements with friends as competitions to be won is ultimately counterproductive and can damage the relationship.
Arguments don’t need to be battles. In fact, healthy disagreement and debate is normal and can even strengthen friendships – if handled with care.
The pitfalls of needing to “win” arguments:
It becomes about ego, not understanding. Once you get invested in being right, you stop really listening to the other perspective. You’re focused on attacks and defense rather than mutual exploration of the issue.
It strains the friendship. Using aggressive tactics, condescending language, or outright insults to try to overpower your friend’s stance is disrespectful. It creates negativity and bad feelings.
You miss opportunities for growth. By being closed off to your friend’s viewpoint, you deprive yourself of the chance to be influenced and evolve your own perspectives through constructive discourse.
The “win” is hollow. Even if you “beat” your friend in the argument through rhetorical skill or stubbornness, you’ve traded a meaningful connection for momentary ego satisfaction. Not a good deal.
A better way:
Prioritize understanding over winning. Approach with curiosity rather than combativeness. Ask questions to deeply comprehend the friend’s viewpoint.
Find the shared truth. There are often valid parts to both perspectives. Identify the accurate components each person brings rather than tearing stances apart.
Communicate yours; don’t force theirs. You can advocate for your stance, but avoid belittling theirs or demanding they change their mind.
Don’t take cheap shots. No insults, put-downs, or dredging up unrelated issues. Keep it focused and respectful.
Be open to updating your stance. If your friend raises some good points, be willing to adjust your own opinion. Compromise is a sign of maturity.
At the end of the day, you shouldn’t “win” an argument with a good friend, because your friend isn’t an enemy to be defeated. The “win” is productive dialogue, mutual understanding, and – perhaps most importantly – preserving the valuable friendship.