I will turn 32 in around 6 weeks time and I have recently come to realise that I have never been on a date with a girl. I have asked girls out in the past but I have been rejected. The last time I asked was almost 12 years ago. I took the rejection to heart and I decided I was better off not asking in future.
Recently, however, I have realised that most acquaintances (I have very few friends) on social media (mainly Facebook) are either in long-term relationships or married. It has made me worry that life is passing me by somewhat and that I should probably look into finding someone special.
I am an extreme introvert and I have experienced severe depression for a number of years due to trauma during my 20’s. In the last few years, however, I have worked hard to get my life back on track. I returned to university and graduated with first-class honours in modern history in September 2023. Since then I’ve been working part-time whilst spending most of my free time researching in my university library for a suitable subject for my master’s degree, which I hope to begin this September. As it will be a master’s by research, I am attempting to find a suitable avenue for investigation. Since I’m intending to focus on Portuguese colonialism in Africa, I’m also attempting to learn Portuguese. In other words, I’m keeping myself quite busy.
Recently, however, I have had creeping thoughts about relationships. I’m worried that due to my age and lack of experience, many potential partners may be put off. I’ve read articles concerning ‘red flags’ and the fact I’ve never dated anyone and have no friends may be construed as an issue for many. I have many interests and a few hobbies, but my lack of social skills could hold me back.
I’m therefore asking whether girls may be put off by this?
Your main obstacle isn’t your age, lack of experience, or anything else external—it’s your inaction and the fear that’s been holding you back. You haven’t asked someone out in over a decade, and it’s clear this avoidance has become your biggest barrier to not just dating, but potentially finding a meaningful connection.
Rejection is a part of life, not just dating. Everyone faces it, and yes, it stings. But you’ve let one rejection define your approach to relationships for far too long. Think about it—every successful person, in any area of life, has faced rejection at some point. What sets them apart is their resilience and willingness to keep trying despite setbacks. This is no different when it comes to dating. If you give up after one rejection, or even several, you’re shutting down opportunities before they can even begin.
Concerned about your age and lack of experience being a turnoff? It’s true that for some people it might be, but not everyone. You’re not obligated to disclose every detail of your dating history (or lack thereof) on a first date. What’s more important is who you are now and what you bring to a relationship. Your unique interests, academic pursuits, and personal growth are all valuable assets.
Now, here’s the action part: you need to start putting yourself out there. It’s as simple—and as difficult—as that. This doesn’t mean you need a complete overhaul of who you are. Start with small steps. Social skills, like any other skills, can be improved with practice. Networking within your academic field, joining clubs related to your interests, or even online dating are all viable ways to meet new people.
And yes, consider therapy if you haven’t already. It can be incredibly helpful in dealing with past trauma, building self-esteem, and developing coping strategies for anxiety and depression. It’s not about being “fixed” before you start dating; it’s about being in a good enough place where you’re open to sharing your life with someone else.
There’s no perfect time to start, and waiting around won’t make things any easier. Take it from someone who’s been there: the only way out of this rut is through action.
You’ve accomplished so much already in your academic and personal life. Now it’s time to apply that same determination to your social and dating life.
Start small, keep your expectations realistic, and be prepared for setbacks. But whatever you do, start. You’ve got this.