An enabler is someone who, often with good intentions, supports or facilitates another person’s unhealthy, destructive, or addictive behavior.
This can include making excuses for the person, covering up their actions, providing financial assistance, or taking on their responsibilities.
While enablers typically believe they are helping, their actions inadvertently perpetuate the problematic behavior and prevent the person they’re enabling from facing the consequences of their actions and seeking help.
The psychology behind enabling is complex and often rooted in a mix of emotional, behavioral, and interpersonal factors. One key driver is codependency, a pattern of behavior where an individual derives a sense of purpose, identity, or self-worth from taking care of or rescuing others. Codependent enablers may feel an excessive sense of responsibility for the other person’s well-being, leading them to prioritize the other’s needs over their own and tolerate unhealthy behavior.
Enablers may also struggle with setting and enforcing boundaries. They may have difficulty saying no, expressing their own needs, or allowing the person they’re enabling to experience discomfort or face natural consequences. This often stems from a fear of confrontation, conflict, or abandonment. Enablers may worry that if they don’t provide support, the relationship will suffer or the person will reject them.
In some cases, enabling behavior is motivated by a sense of guilt or obligation. This is particularly common in family relationships, where enablers may feel a strong sense of loyalty or duty to support a struggling loved one. They may believe that if they don’t help, no one else will, or that the person’s problems are somehow their fault or responsibility to fix.
Enabling can also be a learned behavior, often rooted in family dynamics or past experiences. For example, someone who grew up with an addicted or mentally ill parent may have been taught to prioritize the parent’s needs and make excuses for their behavior. They may carry these patterns into their adult relationships, unconsciously seeking out partners or friends who need “fixing” or rescuing.
Denial is another factor that contributes to enabling. Enablers may minimize the severity of the problem, believing that the person they’re enabling isn’t “that bad” or that their behavior is only temporary. They may make excuses, blame external circumstances, or convince themselves that they can control or manage the situation through their support. This denial prevents enablers from setting boundaries and allows the problematic behavior to continue.